South Dakota Again...

I today is a week and a half since I've been in South Dakota. And Day 7 of nannying. I left on Monday September 28 (Mine and Daniel 6 month anniversary of being together!!!!) I stopped in Bozeman, MT for the night. Met up with some Reliv friends. Went on a short hike then went to The Barn for some country dancing. It was very fun. Had some great conversations!
Daniel knew I had a surprise for him for our anniversary, but had no idea what it was. I just told him he had to do what I said no questions asked. Tuesday was the longest day to drive 11+ hours. But the anticipation of surprising Daniel kept me going. Only his sister and parents knew of me coming. His sister had a game in Kimball the town near where my Grandparents farm is. I got there about 7 but Daniel wasn't there cause he was working late. So I continued onto Mitchell were he live another hour drive. Before I got to Kimball, alot of memories came flooding back into my head and I couldn't hold back the tears, just about Grandpa and everything that happened during my time with my grandparents. When I got to Kimball I went to the cemetery and all the grief I had been holding all summer since I left met me. I left South Dakota in May in such a hurry because of family issues, that everything that happened hadn't quite sunk in.
As I was approaching Mitchell I text Daniel and told him to call me as soon as he got off work. He called me when i was about 20 minutes away. We were talking about his day and stuff then he said he was going to Marlin's to eat because his family was at the game, there was no one home and he had been working all day and was very tired. I told him NO you have to go home. He was in the parking lot of the restaurant and he grudgingly turn around and went home. I was still driving and talking, getting closer about 10 minutes away. He got home and was whining about being tired and hungry. So he started getting something to eat at home and I told him "NO go downstairs and wait 10 more minutes. Remember no questions asked, you want your surprise or not." So he went down to the basement.
I pulled up to his house and all the lights were off. I went in through the garage and then said "Daniel I have to ask you a question. If you could have one wish tonight, what would you wish?" He said that he wished I was right there by his side.
At that point I hung up the phone and went down the steps. I got down there to find my boyfriend was sitting in the dark with the TV on. He heard me coming and sat up with a confused look on his face. Then I spoke, "your wish came true!" He recognized my voice and rush over. So yeah. The next couple hours he was I guess you would say frazzled. He thought I was 1300 hundred miles away and had no idea I was coming. It was a great surprise! :)
Now I've been nannying Tate 3, and Brandi 6 months. My cousins children. Tonight I'm going to a high school football game, meeting Daniel and his sister there and some of my cousins. Before that I think I'm going to go out to the Youngs farm. There is nothing there anymore...it was all sold in the auction. I need to go back. I've been working up to it since I left.

My Second Home

South Dakota Sunset by Badger Clark

A woman stood at her cottage door

And a traveler passed that way.

He was weary and dusty and tired of it all,

So he stopped, and she asked him to stay.

"Why do you choose this place to live?

This dusty, desolate spot

Where the sun beats down relentlessly

And the wind, when it blows, is so hot?

"The woman spoke, and her voice was low

And her eyes looked far away.

"Have you seen it when it's white with snow

On a crisp, bright winter's day?

Or when the trees are full of buds,

Or autumn leaves are falling?

These things we South Dakotans love,

For we hear our dear land calling."

Then she turned her eyes toward the west

Where a sunset swept the sky.

The traveler looked at the gloroius sight

And no longer wondered why.

Reliv N.O.W. (Nourishing Our World)

Well, there has been such a huge gap of time from my April post til now, so much has happened it would take awhile to write it all. I think that I'll just write from the this present time and if stuff comes up from the past that needs to be mentioned then I will do so.

I'm coaching swim team again this year. I can't believe that it is almost half way over! After this week there is only 2 weeks left! When swim team is over I won't be working at the pool anymore as a lifeguard. I have been praying and certain situations have presented themselves that have push me away and convinced me that it's time to leave the pool go.

I will start working full-time in Reliv! God has been pulling me closer and closer to it, and the final confirming thing that happened is my boyfriend, Daniel, wants to do it too...I am just so excited to be able to help people with their health and finances! I will be able to earn an amazing income if I work hard enough. When Daniel and I get married we will be together in everything! Instead of going to work separate jobs forty hours a week for the next forty years of our lives we will be working along side each other helping people, which we both love to do!!! We can both be stay at home parents and be able to will our income to our children after we are gone!

I am so excited for what this year will bring...there are still some uncertainties, but God is faithful and I fully trust His timing! :)

Yep! I'm still alive!

Haven't posted in like 3 months! Wowza!

It is interesting how God works. I reflect over my time in South Dakota and all that happened...I still cling to my Savior through it all. Grandpa past away a week after my last post. Today I just feel really sad...the 4th of July we always went to the farm.
Summer has been going pretty good...will write more soon :)

Happy 4th of July! God please bless America, though we don't deserve it. Forgive our nation. Let us seek after you.

I have a Shelter

Reflect on each of these verses...I love this song! "O Jesus I will hide in you!"

I have a shelter in the storm
When troubles pour upon me
Though fears are rising like a flood
My soul can rest securely
O Jesus, I will hide in You
My place of peace and solace
No trial is deeper than Your love
That comforts all my sorrows

I have a shelter in the storm
When all my sins accuse me
Though justice charges me with guilt
Your grace will not refuse me
O Jesus, I will hide in You
Who bore my condemnation
I find my refuge in Your wounds
For there I find salvation

I have a shelter in the storm
When constant winds would break me
For in my weakness, I have learned
Your strength will not forsake me
O Jesus, I will hide in You
The One who bears my burdens
With faithful hands that cannot fail
You’ll bring me home to heaven

=D

Wow. God is awesome. Final answer.

He is continually knocking me in the head. HELLO! He never ceases to amaze me. Why do I ever doubt...geez! Anyways, the burden of my attitude is gone and one other matter is on the mend. WOW! Seriously...within the matter of a day, after months of having to struggle and endure...gone...just like that! He knows when I am ready for another piece of the puzzle of my life. Yeah, God is awesome.

Faithfully, He shows me, piece by piece.

tied together with a smile, but coming undone

Well, I leave in 27 days to drive home for the summer. Today I've been thinking alot and not really motivated to do much else. The 9 months total that I have been I South Dakota have been a terrible awesome experience. I think it will still take some time for me to grasp all that has happened to me. So many questions have been peppering my brain that it's producing a headache. haha. For instance, if I knew what was gonna happen would I still of come out here? I don't know. I think about the awesome times I've had out here and how much I have grown. But then I think about the terrible times and how painful they were to endure to shape me into who I am today.
It is strange. The hurt seems to most days be far in the back of my mind almost forgotten, but then all of a sudden comes up to strongly that I can't seem to bear it. I suppose that it all will never be truly forgotten though I wish I could.
Today is one of those days were the hurt is very strong that I just don't want to feel it anymore.
God works in mysterious ways...ways I never expect. My expectations when I came out here, where happy and joyful. Now I have come to expect nothing. God help me make the most of the last few weeks I'm here. Help me to get rid of this burden.
The last few months, have just seemed to drift by. The burden became very heavy. Praying to God and talking to people who could kind of understood helped.
Two things of significance happened though the last few months. God called me to Africa and that feeling is so strong in me, that it is now a part of me. It is in my heart and on my mind daily. The other is I began feeling something I never felt before and it is still finding meaning in my heart. What it is to fall in love. :)


God, I do not understand what it is You are doing. I thought I had it down, but then You show me another piece. Just keep giving it to me piece by piece Father. You know the whole picture. I do understand that I can't handle the whole thing all at once and that is why You give it to me in pieces. Be near me as I struggle to put the pieces together. I trust You.

a better day :)

Well, I am okay now.

Oh btw...

...there's been a skunk in the garage. Believe me he left his evidence! I hope he doesn't come back and worse yet...is not in there when I open the door! That would be interesting.

I feel like screaming...but its whatever really...argh

AAAHHH! Okay, I am okay. Eh, I don't like when I feel like this. Argh. Blah. :P Whatever. Nothing happened today. I have no specific reason I'm feeling this way, so its whatever really. Hmmm...I haven't posted in over a month, gotta get back on it! It is weird cuz I'll go through phases where I post alot then am silent for periods of time. Blah.
Well, phewy. I don't know even where to start or what to say. I think I know what the problem is but I can't get over the (what feels like) a mountian! Ergh. Yeah. Okay. I can't get my thoughts typed out on the computer screen right now so...I be posting actually something worth reading later...okay, sorry to waste your time of reading a worthless post. Bye.

Darkness and Light

From Whiter than Snow by: Paul Tripp

He'd lived in the darkness for so long he didn't know that it was dark. Dark was normal and since he'd never experienced light, dark didn't seem dark to him. It wasn't as though he woke up in the morning praying and longing for light. And it wasn't that he had to work to accept the darkness. No, darkness was all he'd ever known. Sure, he fumbled around, bumped into things, and fell down a lot, but none of it bothered him. It was what every day was like for him. He didn't really long to see. He didn't long to see because he didn't know that there was anything worth seeing. He really did think that he saw all there was to see; darkness. He didn't have an accurate sense of size, shape, or color. He had little sense of beauty. He didn't really know what things looked like because the darkness he lived in was so pervasive that the objects around him were but shadows, blobs and blurs.

He had no idea what he looked like because he'd never really seen himself. He thought he knew what he looked like because he'd touched his face and run his hands down his torso, but he'd never seen himself in the light. He was actually quite content in his darkened world and he was quite happy to do what people do when you live in a dark place. He just got up everyday and did what you do when you can't see. Except he didn't know that he couldn't see because he'd never seen because he'd always lived in darkness.

Then it happened one day. He hadn't longed for it. He hadn't asked for it. It just happened. A shaft of light exploded into his world. At first it scared and confused him. He didn't know what it was and his eyes didn't seem able to take it in. All he really knew was that it was different from the darkness he'd always known. It was bright and beautiful and it hurt his eyes, but he couldn't stop looking. He couldn't keep himself from walking toward the light. The closer he got to the light, the more he began to see what was around him. There was a whole world of shapes and colors he'd never seen. But something even more profound began to happen to him. It was shocking, disturbing, and exciting all at once. The closer he got to the light, the more he saw himself! The first thing he realized was that he was naked. For the first time he felt naked. For the first time his nakedness made him uncomfortable. But he not only realized he was naked, he realized he was dirty. And not only was he dirty, he was confronted with the fact that he was lame.

He kept walking toward the light and he felt joy as he did so, but the joy was mixed with grief. As he walked he began to weep. He'd never wept like this before. He wept at the pain he felt over his condition. He'd not known how dirty he was. He'd not known how crippled he was and he felt overwhelmed at what he now knew. He was stunned by the fact that he'd been this way since birth and he'd never known it. He was shocked that he'd never figured out that he moved with a limp. But his shock was quickly mixed with the deepest longing he'd ever felt. It was like he was starved for something he'd never eaten, but now wanted desperately. What he wanted desperately for the first time in his life was to be clean. For the first time in his life he wasn't satisfied being crippled. He longed to be healed. And even though he didn't understand light at all, for the first time in his life he wanted to live in it. And he couldn't imagine ever being content to live in the darkness again.

So he started to run. He ran because he felt drawn - drawn to the light that had so radically altered his world. He wanted to be in the light because somehow he knew that if he could get in the light, he'd be washed and he'd be clean. Somehow he knew that if he could get to the light he would be healed. He knew he couldn't run because he was lame, but he did run. The light was drawing him. The light was giving him strength.He remembers well those darkened days in that darkened place. He remembers it all with a broken and a celebratory heart. And he is very aware that not only has he been cleansed and healed, he's been given the ability to see as well. And he's deeply grateful that he's been clothed with what he couldn't purchase and that deep within him has been placed the desire to be clean.

"Generous in love—God, give grace!
Huge in mercy—wipe out my bad record.
Scrub away my guilt,
soak out my sins in your laundry.
I know how bad I've been;
my sins are staring me down. "
Psalm 51: 1-3 (The Message)


my own thoughts:
I knew of the Light and thought I was living in it. But in a sense I was in darkness. It was a slow fade...it wasn't like I crumbled in a day. I look back and realize that the one thing I struggled with made me fall, fall down deep. I thought I would never be able to get up again, I was full of shame, guilt, devastation. Falling into the darkness I looked up and could see, finally, exactly what the Light was. Before me was the cross, before me was the Throne of Grace, before me was the Savior I had been taking for granted. Can I now wish I had never fallen? Because if I hadn't I would still be wondering around thinking I am better then most people. But I am not. All of us are lost and in need of a Savior.
The pain of the past hurts at times. I know it shaped me into the person I am to be, but it still hurts...am I to be thankful for it? Should I wish it never happened? But what happened refined me into who I am already called to be.

MARCH 05, 2009

I said yes to God calling me to Africa.

Bluegrass...

I'm now sitting here listening/watching the bluegrass music show that my grandparents watch every Saturday evening.
Today was a not so good day, I may even go as far to say it was terrible, which is a quite a stretch for me. Nothing went how I planned at all, even my second plan and my third plan. But I totally got a knock in the head from it.

"For I know the plans I have for you..."

To start the day off, I usually drive to Mitchell in the morning for my Reliv training...well it was cancelled, but I was still going to take the day for myself because I usually get my Saturday since I go to the meeting. So I was planning to leave about the same time 8:30am and go to a coffee shop to read my bible, do some journaling, and finish a letter to my sister. Then meet up with one of my friends to discuss some bible question before he went to work. Then I was planning o go lap swimming as usual and maybe go to a movie. Also, my plan was to shop some new shoes. But my plan totally got changed when I went out into the freeing morning to start my car and get it warmed up...it wouldn't start. I called my dad (6:30am his time, oops, sorry dad) and he said to get a heater, but we didn't have one so then to try starter fluid on the carburetor, that didn't work either. My car would turn over, but it just wouldn't start. I waited an hour for it to get warmer outside and tied again with no avail. So, Gma and Gpa said i could take their car, yay! But that plan didn't work either. I couldn't even get out of the driveway because their car it only two-wheel drive and we had like 6 inches of fresh snow on the ground. So I spend half an hour shoveling to drive to get the car back into the garage.

"...plans to prosper you and not to harm you..."

So...next I planned to wait until the afternoon and it would probably start then. I would still at least have an afternoon for a swim and a movie. That dang car still would not started. I was desperate to go. (You may think I am being selfish for wanting to get away. I always look forward to my Saturdays after being on the farm the whole week. People think that its so honorable of me for taking care of my grandparents, but it is hard you guys, in many different ways then one, but that is another post for another time.) Well my car finally started at 3:30pm. yay! But wait, this was not part of my plan...the check engine light wouldn't go off. Dang it! I called my dad and he said to shut off the car right away cuz if something was wrong with the engine it would ruin it. I had had it running for 15 minutes already to get the battery charged up a bit. So I had to wait for it to cool off again before I could check the oil and the radiator, etc. to try to figure out what was wrong, but everything checked out good. My dad said I shouldn't drive it until we make sure what it wrong. We called a mechanic and he said to put it in the garage and let it warm up and the light might go off. So I waited another hour and my final plan was to hope the light would go off and then I would drive to town and go bowling with some friends. It didn't go off.

"...plans to give you hope and a future."

So...here I sit listening/watching this bluegrass show instead of in town having fun with the plan I had. God totally gave me a knock in the head though...while I was struggling, absolutely determined to have my way, some way. And I never got it. Although this was just one day and seems not such a big deal it really taught me a lesson. First of all my plans for the next few months and this summer had been so set to me, but things have been coming up that they might change. So just this one little instance really hit me and I realize that no matter how carefully I plan, it can change and might not be what I want or expect. I guess I always knew this, but it was good to be reminded even thought it was a bit of a struggle. Wow, God, You are forever faithful!

Texas Trip

Hey ya'll!!! :D So I got back from Texas on Sunday! That made 19 states visited, only 31 to go before I die! lol! I went there for a business conference for Reliv and it was amazing!!!

My Aunt Peggy got here on Wednesday to stay with my Gparents. I left Thursday morning a little earlier cuz my other Gma had surgery the day before so I went to see her in the hospital. My Gpa was there and she wasn't doing very good. Before I left I asked if I could pray for her and she said yes. So I did. You must realize how awesome that is! These Gparents are not believers. My Gpa always says what he is thinking and sometimes it is not very nice. He has made me cry quite a few times when I was younger lol. I've gotten used to it now since I'm older, but anyways, me being able to pray aloud for Gma in front of him just shows me how much I have grown closer to my Lord and Savior. After I said "amen" Gma weakly said thank you, and then i looked up expecting some kind of comment for my Gpa...but he said nothing and the look on his face I can't really explain. Praise God! May He continue working on my Gpa heart...trust me it'll be alot of work, but nothing is impossible with God!!!

So I met up with 3 other people to fly down to Texas. I really dislike flying. I'm fine once we get up in the air...it's just the landing and the taking off that really gets to me. So, we landed in Fort Worth, TX about 8pm only to discover that the person who we were renting a van with to drive to the convention center was stuck in Omaha, Nebraska until the next morning due to an overbooked flight. And we couldn't get the van because it was in her name and we couldn't change it. So, it looked like we might of had to get a taxi, which would easily of been 75+ dollars! But God is awesome and another person who we met up with had been in contact with a man who had a shuttle with 2 other people. I had no idea what was going on, I was just following everyone else! lol. Well, when we walked up to the shuttle. Someone stuck there head out the door and it was another Reliv person from SD who went to the meeting in Sioux Falls. It was funny cuz he didn't know it was us and we didn't know that they had the van! God is awesome!

Missed the beginning of the conference cuz i flight got in late, but i still went to the end and met up with my parents!!!! Yay! And a couple who moved to TX from WA last summer. Courtney is kinda like my mentor so it was so good to see her! My parents and them and me walked around downtown Fort Worth and through the water fall gardens. It was so cool! They had this one water fall were you could walk on stones all the way down. It's kinda hard to describe and i didn't get any picture either cuz it was dark :( but it was cool! I was starving so after my parents and I went back to the hotel me and my dad went to get food. It was like 1am so basically everything was closed except bars. SO we went to this english pub and my dad got a beer and I got an amazing sandwich that was made with a giant Bavarian pretzel roll...it was good. And I had this wine that was gross, cuz I think they watered it down or something :S

Friday we had conference all day, which was amazing! I learned alot and met so many awesome people! I also learned more about the Kalogris Foundation (http://www.relivkalogrisfoundation.org/) which is the heart of Reliv. It is my great desire to really get involved with it! We went to a Cajun restaurant after and i got shrimp, it was good. Also got to try fried pickles which I guess is a specialty in TX, they were interesting! Afterwards we did a little more networking then I went to starbucks and got a java chip frap and a double chocolate cupcake...yum! I got my chocolate fix :D We went back to the hotel and did some more networking then i went to bed! so tired!

Saturday! Happy Valentines Day!!! Conference ended in the afternoon, then I met Courtney at Starbucks and we talked, it was good! Then me and Nicole (a girl around my age, who flew with me and lives in SD) met up with some other people are age and went to Billy Bob's-The World;s Largest Honky Tonk! Lol. got food and then did some dancing! Most of the young people we were with were from Montana! So they were excellent swing dancers! It was soooooooo fun! I love dancing! :D One of the couples we were with were amazing dancers...and the thing that made it even more cool was that before Reliv the girl would of been in a wheel chair by the time she was 30, so it was even cooler to see her dancing with her husband, pain free. Went back to meet my parents at the hotel then we and some friends went out for a glass of wine which was way better then the stuff I had on Thursday! Got only 3 hours of sleep then...

Sunday was fly back to SD! :S I made it alive. When we got back to Mitchell I went and spent the afternoon with my other gma in the hospital. She was doing so much better! She got to go home the afternoon! I went to church early before college study and played the piano for awhile then read. God was really working on my heart about something that night, but that is another post for another time.

cease to be awake........NOW!

okay so the last 5 days I've only had like 17 hours of sleep, way less then half of what I'm used to...and the crazy thing is I'm not tired! I don't know why I can't sleep either. Too much in my head. I have never ever had trouble sleeping! I don't get it! :S But I hoping to get a goodnights rest tonight! So.....night!

oh my goodness

well i decide to write a post about what i have been doing for a change instead of all the grey areas i've been thinking about! Lol.
Yesterday I took both my Grandparents to there appointments at the Kimball clinic and afterwards we went to Doo-Wah Ditty's for lunch like always :) A cheeseburger and a strawberry milkshake is the best lunch and sometimes a cup of soup if I'm especially hungry. My Gpa has been doing so well. He went to town without his walker this time and just used his cane. He hasn't been without his walker since I first came here in September!
When we got back to the farm he wanted to drive me up to the dam so I should go ice skating. We had to take the truck since t get there you drive through the field. Well the truck was dead...so we got in the car to drive up to the shop to get the battery charger. Well I was driving and there was only like 6 inches of hard snow on the ground to get up there I drove through it so I could pull right up to the door for Gpa. Unfortunately, it got stuck (it is the lamest car...i ran off the road with it a few months ago). So I tried with no luck to move it forward of backwards. So we got out and walk the 25 ft. to the shop. Gpa didn't have his walker or cane so i walked with him.

Well we got into the shop the battery wasn't in there so it must be in the shed. We decided to drive the four-wheeler over there to get it since the car was stuck. BUT it was dead too! Geez! So back to the car...it took about 20 minutes. Gpa behind the wheel and me dumping gravel, shoveling away ice, and pushing it out. Finally we got it and drove over to the shed grabbed the battery and headed back to the garage to charge the truck battery up.

I've never hooked up jumper cables before and Gpas hand are too weak to do it so he told me where to hook it up but was unsure and couldn't get it on the other part :S ahhh. So we went inside to call our neighbor Edgar to come over and he saved the day. So I never went ice skating and was late making supper, i broke a dish, and late driving to town for my reliv meeting which was cancelled anyways once I got there! So you would think I'd be tired. but once again wasn't able to fall asleep until 3am!

Today, me and Gpa drove the charged up truck up to the shop and attempted to hook up the charger to the four-wheeler. I hooked it up...but was skeptical as to if it was right because Gpa didn't know last time. He handed me the cord to plug in and I was holding my breath praying "God don't let this blow up" it didn't and we'll see if it'll be charged up tomorrow or not.

I had a follow-up call that went longer then usual. and hadn't started supper yet..had no idea what to make either. Now you have to understand I have to have supper on the table at 6o'clock on the dot, because Gpa will come and sit at the table wet her its ready or not :S

I finally decided to make pancakes and it was 5:45. I started putting ingredients in the bowl 5 eggs one and one half cup of milk 6 T melted butter. it wasn't until I got to the 5 cups of buttermilk and 5 cups of flour that I realized what I had done. I didn't even have room for all those ingredient in the mixing bowl!!! DANG IT! It was 5:57 and I was freaking out.
I quickly took out half of the liquid and half of the dry ingredients and just mixed that up. Then I had problems warming the skillet up on the stove :S
Sure enough my Gpa came in at 6 and sat down at the table, took his blood sugar, then sat there waiting lol I didn't even have the table set yet and my pancakes were burning! :P I will spare you all the details...after we finish eating we let Ellie the dog clean of our plates. So i set my syrupy plate on the floor for her to clean...that darn dog didn't touch it. Well I forgot it was there and started cleaning the kitchen and stepped my barefoot right in the syrup! The plate stuck to my foot and i took a step with it stuck there! You can laugh but I didn't think it was funny. I guess now though ahahaha.
I cleaned up then I made a cherry-blueberry pie...that turned out perfect at least I have something to smile about tonight. :)
Bebo Norman/Jeremy Camp concert tomorrow YAHOO!!!

give me Your eyes for just one second, give me Your eyes so i can see, everything that i keep missing, give me Your love or humanity

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfeXxkbgCVE

God loves me...now, today, and forever

Tenth Avenue North's album Over and Underneath have been my comfort and sustaining me this past week. Just the words...God loves me, He always has and always will. No matter what I have done and what I will do. He will always love me.
So this is all the songs and my favorite part of the lyrics...

Love is Here
Love is here
Love is now
Love is pouring from
His hands, from his brows
Love is near, it satisfies
Streams of mercy flowing from his side

Lift Us Up to Fall
Waiting for you God
With our hopes and fears
We come empty hands held out
Lord draw us near
Heal these broken hearts
And lift us up to fall before everything you are

By Your Side
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough

Let it Go
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go.

Break Me Down
I'm Yours, You can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind

Hold My Heart
So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart
One life is all I amRight now, I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

Times
well my love is over,
its underneathits inside,
its in between,these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal

Beloved
Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your lifeLust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It's a mystery

You Are
I give You all of me for all You are
Here I am
Take me apart
Take me apart

Satisfy
Satisfy me Lord, oh oh
Satisfy me Lord, oh oh
I'm begging You, to help me see
You're all I want, You're all I need
Oh, satisfy me Lord

Hallelujah
Well I'm falling to my knees.
I feel the earth beneath
With the weight of my sin, and this crushing unbelief
Could You really love me with all that I've done,
oh Lord

Lovesick
I'm a shipwreck a sailor lost at sea
You're a tidal waveand You're crashing over me
Caught in your current and I'm sinking
But drowning peacefully

oh how my heart hurts...

last night was an encouragement to me from talking to my mom...she had read what i wrote on 1.31.09 and had told me she thought that is not what God wants for me...remaining single. And that He is just telling me to remain satisfied in Him at this time right now. Until I am restored and totally healed. That I should not go into a relationship or marriage carrying all of it with me because it could be harmful to the relationship. I must say that totally falling fully on God to find satisfaction is way more restoring then seeking it else where! I love mom so much, she is the most amazing person.

...but before that i was told something that made me ache inside for my mom. it made me want to go home right away to be with my family. i have been in constant prayer ever since i hung up with her and i didn't get right to sleep either. I know that only God can work in this situation...although it is extremely hard. That is all i can say about it though.

Thoughts

Is thinking too much good or bad for a person? Argh! I'm still praying about what I posted previously...I don't want to fall into a mind game. I really want to be actively waiting on God. After posting this one of my friends asked me out to a movie. I must admitted that I do kind of like him, but I am going to say no. Not only has it not been that long since everything that happened in the fall, but I'm not sure what direction God wants me to take. I just don't understand why that happened after I thought God would want me to be satisfied in Him alone :S but I will not try to lean on my own understanding, and acknowlegde Him in everything!

Yep!

So I've been in a struggle this week. Not in a bad way...it has been very good. Just seeking and searching out for my heavenly Father's guidance.
What I have found is still a lingering prayer in my heart and my mind. I am not totally grasping it yet, but here it is...

I think that God is calling me to be satisfied in Him alone.

I know we should all be content to be satisfied in Him alone, but I think that this is to mean something even more for me...is God's plan for me to remain single? Like I said the whole meaning of this statement I have not fully grasped yet. Because I still have a strong desire in my heart to be married and have a family. Maybe it is just telling me that it will be awhile and that He has something else to do for His glory.
I still have my own dream...I just am not sure if it is corresponding with Gods. BUT if God would have me be single...could I live the rest of my life like that? Is it just for a time? I see nothing as of now that is leading me towards marriage. I still desire it. Am I willing to give it up for Him who gave up everything for me. What do I have now to give to God that He has not already given to me?

Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.

I am not worried about it..if I continue to hold to this promise I trust my Lord to keep it :)

Reliv is Cool! Lol

Wow, this is really fun! I listen to a training call for Reliv every week day morning at 8:30 and today they did something different where you would come on the call and share the bullet points of your results from the product and then give you phone number so we could help each other as distributors build a list of stories. (Like almost 500 people end up hearing the call) Well I gave mine and right after the call was over someone called me from a different part of SD to hear more...

...but the coolest thing was this guy from Wyoming called me and we talked for like 10 minutes he wanted to now about more of my results and how long I've been taking it and my parents and grandparents. It was just so neat to be able to share with him and give him hope cuz he has been on it for 3 months. It's just so exciting to connect with people like that...I can't wait for Texas!

Another amazing thing was I had a follow-up call today and had me and my upline connected with my mom and my friend. So South Dakota, California, and Washington. Reliv, Nourishing Our World!!!

Something to sing about...

"Why are you so happy" Gma questioned as she pushed her walker through the kitchen door.

I paused from slicing tomatoes inquiring what she meant.

"Your singing," she replied.

"She always has something to sing about," Gpa informed looking up from sipping his cup of coffee at the table.

Turning back to the tomatoes I laughed, feeling my spirit lift even more in song.

THE 7-UPS

1. Wake Up!!
Decide to have a good day.
"Today is the day the Lord hath made; let us rejoice
and be glad in it." Psalms 118:24

2. Dress Up!!
The best way to dress up is to put on a smile. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at outward appearance; but the Lord looks at the heart." I Samuel 16:7

3. Shut Up!!
Say nice things and learn to listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth, so He must have meant for us to do twice as much listening as
talking.
"He who guards his lips guards his soul." Proverbs 13:3

4. Stand Up!!
For what you believe in. Stand for something or you will fall for anything.
"Let us not be weary in doing good; for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let
us do good..." Galatians 6:9-10

5. Look Up !!
To the Lord.
"I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me". Philippians 4:13

6. Reach Up!!
For something higher.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

7. Lift Up !!
Your Prayers.
"Do not worry about anything; instead PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING." Philippians 4:6

Sunny Dayzzzzz

Yahoo! this is the third day in a row that it has been sunny and 45 degrees outside...and NO WIND!!! which is rare for South Dakota! I've spent a good part of the afternoon each day outside, just walking and praying and reading! It has been sooooooo great! And today I was just thinking about the kind of guy I want...haha! Before I was just like oh he has to love God and the outdoors etc. But since everything that has happened and looking at the Christian brothers closest to me I began to have a picture of what I would like for a husband. And evaluate myself, like what I would need.
Now I have never been truly really super close anyone before...number one would probably be my mom, then my sister and marika. What I define as being truly really super close to someone is kinda what I am looking for in a future spouse...so here is what I came up with.
So, I know what I want now...I think...lol...someone who will try to understand me, and adore me, to see me for who I am or at least strive to. Someone who helps me see my faults so i can be better. Someone who will give advice and just pray with me. Someone who will forgive me and love me no matter what, understanding I will mess up. is there any human out there like that? Someone who will just truly listen and I will feel comfortable sharing my heart with. I know what I want now...

BUT, Can I truly be satisfied in Christ alone? Jesus is all of the above and more...Him I can strive to be closest to. I don't know what my future holds and if I will even ever meet anyone like that at all, but I will cling to my Lord, for he is constant and will never disappoint me.

Moving in May

So...My week has gone great! Sunday after biblestudy brought a whole new headache...lol but a good kind of headache from thinking alot. Just after the study I got into a discussion with a friend and this other guy. It was really good and just too much to type about.
Then Monday I talked to my Aunt Peggy about what being planned about G'ma and G'pa's situation. She asked how long I would be staying (and the thing was after talking with Daniel and Eric on Sunday, driving home I was praying about the very thing of how long God wanted me here. I got the sense all of a sudden that He wanted me to stay the summer...and I was like no, I am going back in the summer!) but I told her in April or May and she said that they have been looking for a place for g'ma and g'pa to move them to a place in town or assistant living or nursing home in May. So I will be coming back in May, unless this is not God's plan. I really don't wanna see g'ma and g'pa put in a place that is depressing and my aunt assured me that they never would do that and they would be put in a good place, I guess I knew that.

SO the week was going good...Until a certain person contacted me on Monday night, then everything that happened a few months ago came flooding back into my mind...I've been trying to block it out, but it keeps haunting me. I don't get it! I don't understand! Why can't these people just leave me alone! I don't even understand how people can even be that way!? It is just incredible, in a crazy, scary almost shocking kind of way!!! So Tuesday was a beautiful day and I went on a long walk and found a spot by the creek and just fell to my knees crying out to God...I tried to pray out my heart, my deepest feelings...just laying myself open to Him who knows my heart and understand me even if I don't understand myself. This time the peace that usually comes after bearing my heart to God didn't come as filling me. I still feel unsettled. And today was not a good day.
I have been repeating Proverbs 3:5-6 over and over in my head to get in my heart...to truly hold on to the promise it gives! It is such a great verse that I feel have taken for granted since I memorized when i was like 6. But it is soooooo true! TRUST in the LORD with all of your HEART! and lean not on your own understanding. in ALL your ways acknowledge HIM and HE will DIRECT your paths. I realize that I may not understand but that is not the point because if I try to do it on my own understanding I'm lost! If I rely and trust Him in everything...EVERYTHING!!! He will direct me, it says it right there in His word!!! WOW! :D :D
I have also started reading a book Courtney gave me for Christmas, White as Snow...meditations on sin and mercy by Paul David Tripp. It has been really amazing so far!

On The Radio...UH OH!!! hmm...fun song! I like it :) :)

Doo doo doop dee doo

ahh well okay....this week has gone so fast! Once I got back to gma and gpa's things just began falling back into routine. To start off the week Sunday night I saw Tell and he wouldn't even talk to me let alone acknowledge I was even there. It was bothering me about what to do...since I had gotten home over break I was just praying about what God wanted me to do...talk to him again or just leave it alone. That night I was reading Psalm 27...the psalm of my life at this time...and the last verse said WAIT on the Lord. There was my answer right in front of me. I trust that all things work together for good for them that trust Him.
So busy week...it was so great to get back here to gma and gpa's! Seeing them again! But, alas, I began feeling down on Tuesday...but God is soooooooo awesome! He brought me a new friend who truly was a great encouragement to me! I met Nicole through mom and dad who knew her through Reliv...she was actually the one who told me about the biblestudy where I met Tell. Well we finally went out for that coffee we had kept saying we were gonna get. Oh why had we not before I foolishly fell into making the wrong choices!? BUT God's plan is perfect...I know there would be no way I would be as close to Him now if I didn't go through all the pain....I do have times when I began to wish I could of done things differently but right away I try to change that thinking cuz what happened made me who I am today and....it is so great the things i have learned through it all. GOD IS AWESOME!!!!! WOW!!!
So Nicole really helped me. And suggesting ways I can be a light and joy for my gparents. She is a prayer warrior and said I can call her anytime! I love her! She is truly a blessing from God to me!
Reliv has been going great! I am learning alot and am becoming more excited about what i can do with this business! Heard a great story call on Thursday about people my age who have had alot of success and that gave me hope. I am so passionate about being able to help people with their health and even their finances! Reliv has done so much for my family i will never be without it! It took me awhile to see the vision but i am beginning to and can't wait to go to the International conference in Feb. at Fort Worth TEXAS babay!!!! :)
So life is going...as long as I continue to cling to Him that sustains me! WOW WOW WOW!!! GOD IS AMAZING!!! I look forward to what He has planned for me to do for His glory!
Okay I am finally getting tired now! Goodnight! :D :D

Happy New Year!

Well I am sitting in a hotel room in Sioux Falls, SD waiting for my aunt Lisa and Gma Surat to get back from shopping she left early and i slept hehe. So thought I'd take this time to write about the past year and the one coming up. I won't have Internet for a week cuz i am going to my other grandparents house before returning to the ones I am caring for.

First before I dive into it I just thought I would think about somethings. I was meet by so many challenges this year. I think more then I ever have in a year. But I have for sure seen the change it has done to me. I am stronger spiritually and emotionally and I am definitely wiser. It is so amazing to me how God can take bad things that happen and turn it into something for His glory! Also I could never have endure through all the challenges without His grace, mercy and constant guidance! In Christ alone my hope is found, He is my Light my Strength my Song!





The Year That Is Past.......


well, 2008 was once again a year full of learning. Full of trials which challenged me to cling to my Savior. In January I took an EMT class at WVC it ran all the way until April. Wow, It is amazing to me that it has been a year already since i was in that class! I learned alot and was challenged so much in that class. It will be something I take with me everywhere I go. And maybe someday be able to use what i learned.
I worked six different jobs this year! whoa! First the soup cellar, then lifeguard, then swim coach, then caretaker of my gparents, server and a hunting lodge, and finally an independent Reliv distributor! Whew!
I graduate with my AAS degree in June, then summer practically flew by. I worked at the Leavenworth city pool again as a lifeguard and WSI. Had an awesome season coaching Upper Valley Swim team! We were undefeated and WON Championship YAHOO!!! I had fun to with friends and family. Went hiking, jet skiing, wake boarding which is amazing, and i almost went skydiving twice! lol.
In August I bought my own vehicle! AHHHHH!!!! YEAH! I love my Subaru! and I will try to avoid driving a granny van. lol.
September brought a season of new challenges and learning. Taking care of my Gparents as you can read in earlier blog posts.
October I made a foolish choice to date a guy. Not that dating a guy is wrong, but after all that I have ever been taught and wanted in a relationship for myself and dreamed of I threw away in a few short weeks. To add on to that in December I fell short and experienced hurt I never knew could happen. Supposed friends turning there back on me and spreading lies, not even trying to learn the truth...Tell included.
I came home for Christmas and experienced the exact opposite from my friends at home. Acceptance and Love for me no matter what i did. I can't began to describe the feeling I had from God amazing forgiveness and love of my family and friends.
My time back in WA was encouraging and helped me get ready to return to the challenges back in SD.



The Year To Come...2009
Okay so I became a independent Reliv distributor on December 31, 2008! I am so excited for what i can do with this amazing company! It has done so much for my family already and I believe I really can do this! Yahoo!
Well, right of the bat I'm already met with another challenge. My Aunt Bev is moving back to KS. After committing to gma and gpa for the winter. She is just leaving. I have agreed to stay with them for the winter months, but I don't know what will happen to then after that. So i will be caring for them once again on my own. I went to see my great gma in MN who is 98 and I got an overwhelm sense of grief for what i saw there. I almost just started crying. Everyone just sitting around....like all they were just waiting to die...like the only thing left for them is to die! I don't want that for gma and gpa!!! One thing that has really struck me after taking care of my gparents. is that I DO NOT want to be like that when I am old. grumpy and depressed and down, etc. I want to be full of joy and cheerful ....be alive and living, giving glory to my Savior!
So now I am struggling with feeling of resentment and dislike towards my aunt. Because of the way she treated me when i was there and now going back on her word. It is something I realize i can't do without my Lord. I pray that He will fill me with love for her! and forgive her. It is hard. I know I couldn't of forgiven all those other people who treated me way worse without God love...I don't why it is so hard with Bev.
Anyways...I will most likely remain in SD at least until spring maybe summer. I will be building my business along with caring for them and got hired to do some housecleaning on the side.
I CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMER!!!! I will return to the pool and coach again too!!!
After summer I am left with uncertainty once again, but am prepared for the challenges i will be faced with, with Jesus by my side...but I must say that I am so excited and can't wait to see what God will be having me do!!! ;) i do know that I will be continuing to strive and bring Him glory in all i do while growing closer to HIM!!!!