The world is
happening
going on around me.
Here i sit and the only
thing that matters
right now
in this very moment
is You.
i go back once again
Jesus
to be lost in You
to fall in love with You.
Fall in love with You
more and more
every day
but i don't
i get lost in this
world of folly
caught up in the routine and activities of life.
You sit
wait
watch
until i remember You again.
To come back and sit with You
in this moment like i am now
where the only thing that matters
is You.
Can i not stay here forever?
But i don't
i stand up
walk away
swept away
with the flow of the busy crowd
leaving You
sitting
watching
waiting
until i come back and sit with You next time.
At least i think
You always sit there.
i could take You with me
to be next to me
to be aware
of Your closeness
but i don't.
You do go with me
You are still with me
aren't You.
i'm not always aware of it.
You are right by my side
all the time
holding onto me.
i return to sit with You
as if
You have been there the whole time
i'm unaware
You never left me
when I went back in the rotation of the world.
Jesus
may i always take You with me
in my words
actions
steps
in this life
i get lost in this world
may i still be found in You.
Right now
as this moment is drawing to an end
i must rise from where i sit
with complete contentment in You
feeling Your presence
with me
at this moment
i will take You with me.
The way You have loved me and love me
captivates
overwhelms me
i deepen my love in You.
My whole heart
belongs
to You
at this
moment.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
2.26.2011
1.08.2011
How to Prepare for 2011
This link was post by our pastor, thought it was pretty thought provoking and awesome!
COMPLETING AND REMEMBERING 2010
Review the list of all completed projects:
What was your biggest triumph in 2010?
Beating Leavenworth and winning WVSSL Championships!
What was the smartest decision you made in 2010?
Breaking off an unhealthy relationship.
What one word best sums up and describes your 2010 experience?
forgiven.
What was the greatest lesson you learned in 2010?
Once again, who my true friends are.
What was the most loving service you performed in 2010?
Helping friends out (moving, wedding, etc.) offering my service in childcare at church.
What is your biggest piece of unfinished business in 2010?
Reliv.
What are you most happy about completing in 2010?
Gearing up for Africa.
Who were the three people that had the greatest impact on your life in 2010?
Jenny Leigh, Courtney, and Ryan Jacob.
What was the biggest risk you took in 2010?
Giving my heart to someone who ripped it apart.
What was the biggest surprise in 2010?
The amount of my so-called "friends" who turned their backs on me.
What important relationship improved the most in 2010?
Jenny Leigh.
What compliment would you liked to have received in 2010?
You are a Godly Woman.
What compliment would you liked to have given in 2010?
You've always been there for me.
What else do you need to do or say to be complete with 2010?
God is faithful!
CREATING THE NEW YEAR
What would you like to be your biggest triumph in 2011?
Helping alot of people with great nutrition and income.
What advice would you like to give yourself in 2011?
I don't know what 2011 holds, but I know who holds 2011...God is in control!
What is the major effort you are planning to improve your financial results in 2011?
Set and write down goals for advancing my business!
What would you be most happy about completing in 2011?
Nourishing our world.
What major indulgence are you willing to experience in 2011?
Backpacking trips!
What would you most like to change about yourself in 2011?
Be strong.
What are you looking forward to learning in 2011?
To be on mission with the Gospel daily. Applying the Gospel to every decision.
What do you think your biggest risk will be in 2011?
Investing in relationships.
What about your work, are you most committed to changing and improving in 2011?
Being a leader.
What is one as yet undeveloped talent you are willing to explore in 2011?
Backpacking in the mountains.
What brings you the most joy and how are you going to do or have more of that in 2011?
Swing dancing! Find me a good partner bahaha ;)
Who or what, other than yourself, are you most committed to loving and serving in 2011?
Pouring out my love to disease-infected orphans in Africa and to the kids on swim team.
What one word would you like to have as your theme in 2011?
Joy!
COMPLETING AND REMEMBERING 2010
Review the list of all completed projects:
What was your biggest triumph in 2010?
Beating Leavenworth and winning WVSSL Championships!
What was the smartest decision you made in 2010?
Breaking off an unhealthy relationship.
What one word best sums up and describes your 2010 experience?
forgiven.
What was the greatest lesson you learned in 2010?
Once again, who my true friends are.
What was the most loving service you performed in 2010?
Helping friends out (moving, wedding, etc.) offering my service in childcare at church.
What is your biggest piece of unfinished business in 2010?
Reliv.
What are you most happy about completing in 2010?
Gearing up for Africa.
Who were the three people that had the greatest impact on your life in 2010?
Jenny Leigh, Courtney, and Ryan Jacob.
What was the biggest risk you took in 2010?
Giving my heart to someone who ripped it apart.
What was the biggest surprise in 2010?
The amount of my so-called "friends" who turned their backs on me.
What important relationship improved the most in 2010?
Jenny Leigh.
What compliment would you liked to have received in 2010?
You are a Godly Woman.
What compliment would you liked to have given in 2010?
You've always been there for me.
What else do you need to do or say to be complete with 2010?
God is faithful!
CREATING THE NEW YEAR
What would you like to be your biggest triumph in 2011?
Helping alot of people with great nutrition and income.
What advice would you like to give yourself in 2011?
I don't know what 2011 holds, but I know who holds 2011...God is in control!
What is the major effort you are planning to improve your financial results in 2011?
Set and write down goals for advancing my business!
What would you be most happy about completing in 2011?
Nourishing our world.
What major indulgence are you willing to experience in 2011?
Backpacking trips!
What would you most like to change about yourself in 2011?
Be strong.
What are you looking forward to learning in 2011?
To be on mission with the Gospel daily. Applying the Gospel to every decision.
What do you think your biggest risk will be in 2011?
Investing in relationships.
What about your work, are you most committed to changing and improving in 2011?
Being a leader.
What is one as yet undeveloped talent you are willing to explore in 2011?
Backpacking in the mountains.
What brings you the most joy and how are you going to do or have more of that in 2011?
Swing dancing! Find me a good partner bahaha ;)
Who or what, other than yourself, are you most committed to loving and serving in 2011?
Pouring out my love to disease-infected orphans in Africa and to the kids on swim team.
What one word would you like to have as your theme in 2011?
Joy!
9.07.2010
Complicated
Definition: difficult to analyze, understand, explain.
What is complicated? Life. Relationships. Faith. People. Me.
Who isn't complicated? God.
He is faithful, unchangeable, constant, loving, trustworthy, Sovereign.
What is complicated? Life. Relationships. Faith. People. Me.
Who isn't complicated? God.
He is faithful, unchangeable, constant, loving, trustworthy, Sovereign.
7.24.2010
heart healing
Can I now say my heart is healed? It is definitely on its way. It began last Saturday, God started working in my heart when I was reading Living The Cross Centered Life and the part I was reading was talking about feelings and how "we let our feeling tell us what's true, instead of letting the truth transform our feelings" and thinking over the pass 2 weeks I have let my feeling over heart hurt govern the way I go about my day, whether eating, not eating, sleeping, not sleeping I was letting the way I felt put me in a numb state where at one point I wasn't even caring about my physical health...then last Sunday Art Azurdia a visiting pastor form a church plant we are helping out in Portland came and gave this message.
(here is some of my notes)
Fix You Eyes Upon Jesus
Hebrews 12:1-3
Would I die for Jesus Christ? I would not die for Christ unless I live daily for Christ...a taking up of the cross daily. He gave 3 words...Listen, Divest, and Focus.
Focus. Focus. Focus...attention on Christ...looking to Jesus. He is the ultimate man of faith. I need to be relentlessly preoccupied with Jesus and nothing else (not other people, like guys :P) Jesus ran His race in perfect perfection against the greatest opposition. It's not about starting, it's about starting to finish the race.
1st Peter 1
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, 5who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
Just for a little while suffer grief in all kinds of trials...but what do we have to look forward to! A beautiful ending! One with our Savior..forever. In light of this knowledge how then can I live each day? Knowing my end! Knowing that there is more to life than just getting hurt and disappointed and hurt over and over. My heart can be healed and full of joy!
(here is some of my notes)
Fix You Eyes Upon Jesus
Hebrews 12:1-3
Would I die for Jesus Christ? I would not die for Christ unless I live daily for Christ...a taking up of the cross daily. He gave 3 words...Listen, Divest, and Focus.
Focus. Focus. Focus...attention on Christ...looking to Jesus. He is the ultimate man of faith. I need to be relentlessly preoccupied with Jesus and nothing else (not other people, like guys :P) Jesus ran His race in perfect perfection against the greatest opposition. It's not about starting, it's about starting to finish the race.
1st Peter 1
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, 5who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
Just for a little while suffer grief in all kinds of trials...but what do we have to look forward to! A beautiful ending! One with our Savior..forever. In light of this knowledge how then can I live each day? Knowing my end! Knowing that there is more to life than just getting hurt and disappointed and hurt over and over. My heart can be healed and full of joy!
6.27.2010
Nothing left to lose
God..."You say you have a plan for me and that you want the best for my life. Told me the world had yet to see what You can do with one that's committed to Your calling. I know of course what I should do...that I can't hold these dreams forever. If I give them now to You...Will You take them away forever? Or can I dream again?"
Why is it when I love, I love so well, so that when the object of my feelings are taken away it just hurts so bad? I try to be so tough, but I'm just not strong enough...I can't do this alone God I need you to hold onto me. I have no more tears left to cry, at the moment lol, I have to let go and move on, letting nothing steal my joy...even though I don't understand...
6.09.2010
So hear me, if you're out there
I like this...all of us music inside that hasn't been played yet. This video makes me think about all the things I wanna say to someone, but am afraid to. Someday I will find someone who will "hear the words unspoken" and "read between the minds." I think honesty and communication it huge in any relationship...but is there such a thing as looking into a person's eyes and knowing they understand you? Truly understand. I still need time, but one day I trust God will bring me the person that will understand the words of my heart. This video stirs me inside. I'm no hopeless romantic...but hearing and watching this plucks on those strings of my heart that I'm trying not to play.
6.01.2010
Find out who your friends are
I don't get it. That's the third time this month. 3 different "friends." If they are NOT gonna get back to me when they say they will then at least don't even say you will! "I will call you right back" "I will text you tomorrow with the details" "I will get back to you later with where we'll meet" and no reply...I'm mean what the hay :P
But whatever, it no big deal...it doesn't hurt as much as what I've had to deal with my so-called "friends." Being back-stabbed 2 years ago in SD by the people I thought were my friends, then I thought was the worst, but doesn't compared to this hurt right now.
We've been friends for over 7 years! And then all of a sudden it doesn't mean anything!? I've put up with enough hurt from them. If you have a horse that keeps bucking you off do you keep it!? Or just get rid of it? It can't be trained!
But whatever, it no big deal...it doesn't hurt as much as what I've had to deal with my so-called "friends." Being back-stabbed 2 years ago in SD by the people I thought were my friends, then I thought was the worst, but doesn't compared to this hurt right now.
We've been friends for over 7 years! And then all of a sudden it doesn't mean anything!? I've put up with enough hurt from them. If you have a horse that keeps bucking you off do you keep it!? Or just get rid of it? It can't be trained!
5.29.2010
The Farm
From here go east on I-90 until you cross the state line into South Dakota. Take Exit 289 and head north about 12 miles. Turn west and go 1.5 miles then head north again on 365 Avenue. Go a little over 4 miles until you reach 240th Street then turn west onto the driveway. And there you will find where I left part of my heart.
Not to sound sentimental, but I left my heart in South Dakota. No not to some animal, or activity, not even with a boy. I left it with a little over 1,000 acres of land about 14 miles north of Kimball, SD. That farm has been in some of my first memories as a child. It became even more meaningful to me when I lived there for almost a year. Maybe I am sounding sentimental, but I don't care!
I realize that there is so much of my family history in that land and that is why I could see how come Grandpa wanted to stay on the farm for as long as he could. For me, that piece of land became my sanctuary. I can't count how many times I was outside on my own, just me and God. I watched the first rays of light greet the sky in the morning. I lay out in the field gazing at the stars and feeling ever so small. My favorite was the sunsets! The sky became a canvas for God to paint every evening. It was those moments that most spoke to me. Can't describe it, you gotta go there yourself.
Oh how I miss the farm. And how empty it seemed when I was last there after the auction...no grandparents, no animals, no things that would show any activity...but it was at sunset that I took one last walk around and nothing had changed, the land was the same, it will always be the same.
Driving around I would see old farm houses deteriorating, crumbling. It hurts my heart to think that that farm will become another abandoned stead someday...but the land will stay the same...and there will still be a sunsets every evening.
I hear my "dear land calling." For I left my heart in South Dakota.
South Dakota Sunset by Badger Clark
A woman stood at her cottage door
And a traveler passed that way.
He was weary and dusty and tired of it all,
So he stopped, and she asked him to stay.
"Why do you choose this place to live?
This dusty, desolate spot
Where the sun beats down relentlessly
And the wind, when it blows, is so hot?
"The woman spoke, and her voice was low
And her eyes looked far away.
"Have you seen it when it's white with snow
On a crisp, bright winter's day?
Or when the trees are full of buds,
Or autumn leaves are falling?
These things we South Dakotans love,
For we hear our dear land calling."
Then she turned her eyes toward the west
Where a sunset swept the sky.
The traveler looked at the glorious sight
And no longer wondered why.
Not to sound sentimental, but I left my heart in South Dakota. No not to some animal, or activity, not even with a boy. I left it with a little over 1,000 acres of land about 14 miles north of Kimball, SD. That farm has been in some of my first memories as a child. It became even more meaningful to me when I lived there for almost a year. Maybe I am sounding sentimental, but I don't care!
I realize that there is so much of my family history in that land and that is why I could see how come Grandpa wanted to stay on the farm for as long as he could. For me, that piece of land became my sanctuary. I can't count how many times I was outside on my own, just me and God. I watched the first rays of light greet the sky in the morning. I lay out in the field gazing at the stars and feeling ever so small. My favorite was the sunsets! The sky became a canvas for God to paint every evening. It was those moments that most spoke to me. Can't describe it, you gotta go there yourself.
Oh how I miss the farm. And how empty it seemed when I was last there after the auction...no grandparents, no animals, no things that would show any activity...but it was at sunset that I took one last walk around and nothing had changed, the land was the same, it will always be the same.
Driving around I would see old farm houses deteriorating, crumbling. It hurts my heart to think that that farm will become another abandoned stead someday...but the land will stay the same...and there will still be a sunsets every evening.
I hear my "dear land calling." For I left my heart in South Dakota.
South Dakota Sunset by Badger Clark
A woman stood at her cottage door
And a traveler passed that way.
He was weary and dusty and tired of it all,
So he stopped, and she asked him to stay.
"Why do you choose this place to live?
This dusty, desolate spot
Where the sun beats down relentlessly
And the wind, when it blows, is so hot?
"The woman spoke, and her voice was low
And her eyes looked far away.
"Have you seen it when it's white with snow
On a crisp, bright winter's day?
Or when the trees are full of buds,
Or autumn leaves are falling?
These things we South Dakotans love,
For we hear our dear land calling."
Then she turned her eyes toward the west
Where a sunset swept the sky.
The traveler looked at the glorious sight
And no longer wondered why.
5.28.2010
2 weeks of rain
This is the second week we've had crappy weather :P ...Daniel and I had a hike planned up Ingalls Creek, the trail head isn't far from our house and never hiked it! Yeah, planned it 2 weeks ago then it started raining off and on since then! I haven't seen the sun in forever!...but that is good because the river will fill up and the rapids will be awesome for the white water rafting trip I won in a raffle on Tuesday. A free trip for 8 people, a $500 dollar value!
Yeah on Tuesday Marika and I went to the Hope Project kickoff celebration as Plain, WA adopted Gardnersville, Liberia, as its very own sister city! It was so cool to see this local community make a change 7,000 miles away! I found out that the top 10 poorest countries in the world are in Africa and Liberia is third on the list. Haiti isn't even on that top 10 list, it's just is in our hemisphere! I decided to donate a small amount every month, it's not much, but it's what I can afford at this time. Another thing which was cool is that they weren't pressure for money either, just the way they presented it was beautiful in the way that showed their heart to really help this other country however they could. They support a school over there and may make some trips in the future, but only if there is still a school to go to. I'm so blessed to be a part of this organization :)
I'm going to Seattle for this week and I'm excited! I wasn't going to go unless I cleaned my room so I finished it yesterday! Woohoo!
A good improvement I think! tehe :) Tonight is Beccah's 16th birthday bash! I'm in charge of games...so I gotta go plan! Peace.
5.26.2010
Quotes
"I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stumped by this for many years. And then I realized, you just say, “Hi.” They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word."
"Think about all the things you need to trust about someone you are in a relationship with. You need to trust he will be there if you have a bad day; you need to trust he will keep your secrets; you need to trust he will treat you with respect, both during the relationship and after. Those are all big things. If you don’t trust him with the tiny little things–working late on a co-ed group project in the library–how will you trust him with the big things?"
"Maybe I could have loved you better
Maybe you should have loved me more
Maybe our hearts were just next in line
Maybe everything breaks sometime
Everything breaks sometimes."
"Think about all the things you need to trust about someone you are in a relationship with. You need to trust he will be there if you have a bad day; you need to trust he will keep your secrets; you need to trust he will treat you with respect, both during the relationship and after. Those are all big things. If you don’t trust him with the tiny little things–working late on a co-ed group project in the library–how will you trust him with the big things?"
"Maybe I could have loved you better
Maybe you should have loved me more
Maybe our hearts were just next in line
Maybe everything breaks sometime
Everything breaks sometimes."
5.24.2010
sigh
How is it I can be so completely oblivious. Guess it's true that most times we generally don't see what is right in front of us...or maybe I was intentionally avoiding it because I didn't think there would be anyway it would be true. Do I want it to be true? Argh...
5.22.2010
life right now
It's almost my favorite time of year...summer! Hiking. swimming, hanging out, lovely summer evenings...! June 14th swim team starts! :D I got hired as the head coach for Cashmere :O yeah...Leavenworth didn't want me back, but I'll show them...Cashmere will kick butt!!! haha!! I'm really excited for this season, it will be different then the last 3 years of my coaching experience since I was only asst. coach then and this team is smaller with more practice time so I can make them amazing swimmers ;)
Also, it looks like, God-willing, I will be in South Africa next year!!!! :D I've been in contact with Lambano Sanctuary which is an organization that helps HIV positive orphans. I've found out about them through a friend's friend, but the funny thing is after awhile I remembered that our girls bible study like 5 years ago did a fundraiser for them! God is good :) They have requested if I would be a homework teacher, where I would help the kids with school in the afternoons. In the mornings I would work with the hospice children. I think at first I was hesitant...I procrastinated in answering because I was "praying" about it. Just trying not to get me hopes up...I've had this desire in my heart for soooooo long that the thought of it coming true unsettled me because I didn't wanna hope only disappointed. But you know what? I realized that I can pursue this with all I got and if it isn't the right time or place God will close the doors...so here I go. I trust Him! Also another thing I realized...my life doesn't start once I get to Africa, it is here right now and I need to use each day for the furthering of His Kingdom. At first I think that I was just waiting to go to Africa to actually start living my life and doing what God wants me to...but He has a work for me here right now. I'm still excited for Africa though!!!!
Also, it looks like, God-willing, I will be in South Africa next year!!!! :D I've been in contact with Lambano Sanctuary which is an organization that helps HIV positive orphans. I've found out about them through a friend's friend, but the funny thing is after awhile I remembered that our girls bible study like 5 years ago did a fundraiser for them! God is good :) They have requested if I would be a homework teacher, where I would help the kids with school in the afternoons. In the mornings I would work with the hospice children. I think at first I was hesitant...I procrastinated in answering because I was "praying" about it. Just trying not to get me hopes up...I've had this desire in my heart for soooooo long that the thought of it coming true unsettled me because I didn't wanna hope only disappointed. But you know what? I realized that I can pursue this with all I got and if it isn't the right time or place God will close the doors...so here I go. I trust Him! Also another thing I realized...my life doesn't start once I get to Africa, it is here right now and I need to use each day for the furthering of His Kingdom. At first I think that I was just waiting to go to Africa to actually start living my life and doing what God wants me to...but He has a work for me here right now. I'm still excited for Africa though!!!!
5.13.2010
Peter
In the conclusion of my study of the book of John this year through B.S.F. (Bible Study Fellowship International) I have found that I have really related to Peter especially regarding the last several chapters. Reflecting on how the last half of this study, it is incredible how I would learn a truth almost every week! There would be something I would be dealing with in my personal and spiritual life and it would be addressed in the reading of the gospel of John. God is so amazing! Right now I think of Peter...and how after he denied Christ and Jesus looked at him in love, he went a wept tears of repentance and healing...I did not realize that after Jesus had risen He appeared privately to Peter to "restore and him and reinstate him in fellowship before appearing to the assembled group." It just really touched my heart to see the Lord's deep concern and love for His heartbroken disciple. Just another realization to me that Christ knows I will mess up, but He still loves me :'-) The final chapter of John finds the disciples fishing and Jesus on the shore. As soon as the disciples recognized who it was, Peter reacted immediately and jumped into the water to swim to His Savior...the time I read this, I got a picture in my head of rushing to be with Jesus...hmmm I can't wait! Finally Jesus ask Peter if he loves Him and to feed His sheep. This scene secures Peter as leader. Peter humbles himself as tells Jesus that He know his heart....the Lord know my heart...He wants a humble and contrite spirit that trembles at God's Word.
5.12.2010
Every Woman Must Go Through Her Gethsemane Alone
Awhile ago a friend asked me these questions..."Have you ever had to face something that was hindering you from living? Have you ever had to come face to face with something knowing although it's going to be beyond your own strength to handle, it was the right thin to do? Have you ever had to face your own Calvary, Rachel dear?"
Those questions have been in the back of my mind and I wrestled with them a few weeks ago when I had a break through with myself concerning a few issues I was dealing with in my life...I thought I was done...no I'm not....then I came across this article today. I have to agree that wrestling it out alone gives me so much more direction, but alas, I put it off and continue to out off...I'm letting the devil win when I let it happen. Maybe I'm just reluctant to find out what God will say!? I don't know. He has never failed me before when I have fallen before Him vulnerable and weak...but still I don't what to do it.
The shadow is returning...I thought I had gotten rid of it. I talked to my mom about it how I was feeling....just everything with weddings, marriage, and family...like if I see a couple walking together, a new baby, go to a wedding or bridal shower, hearing another person who got engaged, or someone just got a new boyfriend...even in movies....I just don't/didn't feel happy about it. And I have begun to think that God doesn't have anyone out there for me, that he wants me to be single. and I don't want to have to deal with the kind of challenges that a marriage brings...if I stay out of relationships I won't get hurt, I won't hurt the other person...anyways mom said I was subconciously having the feeling of resentment towards weddings etc because all my friends are getting married etc, I honestly, really don't think it was bothering me, but apparently I was just blocking it and then that created feelings like there isn't anyone God has for me....yeah makes sense...I guess...I just need time...I told my dad that if any guy asks him to go out with me to tell them that I needed time, like the rest of this year, and if they were still interested to come back later...and I don't want him to tell me that either, I just need time, to be ready. But I still have these feeling of resentment, for lack of a better word, towards relationship and marriage. I can't get rid of them....so I need some time alone, not just the usual time I spend alone to try ans escape...I need to be alone with God again and cry out to Him, Only He can heal me, He did last time so why am I so hesitant to go to Him this time...
Those questions have been in the back of my mind and I wrestled with them a few weeks ago when I had a break through with myself concerning a few issues I was dealing with in my life...I thought I was done...no I'm not....then I came across this article today. I have to agree that wrestling it out alone gives me so much more direction, but alas, I put it off and continue to out off...I'm letting the devil win when I let it happen. Maybe I'm just reluctant to find out what God will say!? I don't know. He has never failed me before when I have fallen before Him vulnerable and weak...but still I don't what to do it.
The shadow is returning...I thought I had gotten rid of it. I talked to my mom about it how I was feeling....just everything with weddings, marriage, and family...like if I see a couple walking together, a new baby, go to a wedding or bridal shower, hearing another person who got engaged, or someone just got a new boyfriend...even in movies....I just don't/didn't feel happy about it. And I have begun to think that God doesn't have anyone out there for me, that he wants me to be single. and I don't want to have to deal with the kind of challenges that a marriage brings...if I stay out of relationships I won't get hurt, I won't hurt the other person...anyways mom said I was subconciously having the feeling of resentment towards weddings etc because all my friends are getting married etc, I honestly, really don't think it was bothering me, but apparently I was just blocking it and then that created feelings like there isn't anyone God has for me....yeah makes sense...I guess...I just need time...I told my dad that if any guy asks him to go out with me to tell them that I needed time, like the rest of this year, and if they were still interested to come back later...and I don't want him to tell me that either, I just need time, to be ready. But I still have these feeling of resentment, for lack of a better word, towards relationship and marriage. I can't get rid of them....so I need some time alone, not just the usual time I spend alone to try ans escape...I need to be alone with God again and cry out to Him, Only He can heal me, He did last time so why am I so hesitant to go to Him this time...
5.05.2010
I'm falling and can't stop...
"I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean"
~Blue October
It's pulling me down and I can't make it stop. What is it though...I don't know...I just want it all to stop. Jesus when will You come back? I've never felt more homesick for heaven. There is a feeling deep in the pit of my being...it is unsettling and aimless. It's a shadow. If only I could grasp it, get ahold of it...I could make it stop. I don't feel lonely, this is actually a time I feel close to my Jesus. Is the shadow of God or Satan? Is God trying to tell me something or is Satan trying to get a trap set for me? I can't discern it...
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean"
~Blue October
It's pulling me down and I can't make it stop. What is it though...I don't know...I just want it all to stop. Jesus when will You come back? I've never felt more homesick for heaven. There is a feeling deep in the pit of my being...it is unsettling and aimless. It's a shadow. If only I could grasp it, get ahold of it...I could make it stop. I don't feel lonely, this is actually a time I feel close to my Jesus. Is the shadow of God or Satan? Is God trying to tell me something or is Satan trying to get a trap set for me? I can't discern it...
5.02.2010
I'm a dinosaur RAWR!
I'm watching the tv show I Love Lucy. I really like that show tehe. It makes me laugh :) It's my Grandmas favorite also. This weekend has been really weird. Not in the way of things that have happened, but in my head...it's spinning, it's confused...something is bugging me and I can't figure it out. I feel like if I sit down and have a good cry it'll make it better, but I can't seem to cry...I've watched the saddest movies I could think of and...nope, not a tear. I think God is trying to get my attention and I don't wanna listen...I don't know but instead of figure it out now I'm just gonna blog....
Well, it was Apple Blossom festival this week and yesterday I took Angela, James, Benjamin, and Jonathan to the parade. I haven't been to it since mom and dad took us to it when we moved here...so yeah it'd been awhile, but it's not the same, they don't throw candy anymore :( the sun was hot and it was really windy...the kids got a little red :S we were sitting on the sidewalk and there were these 3 younger girls...like 5 or 6 years old sitting in their little lawn chairs...anyways when a bunch of Hispanics rode by on their horses and the girls were leaning over and were like.."oh that one is a boy" and then the next horse..."that is a boy too" hehe I thought that was kinda comical :P another thing, when the clowns came walking by I overheard this mom commanding her son to go over and shake the clowns hand so she could take a picture...the little kid didn't want to, can't blame him, clowns are scary!!! :O but she insisted so he would take a step towards the clown then look back at his mom demanding him to go, he was so hesitant that the clowns passed and he didn't shake his hand...his mom like flipped out at him and was like "you can't think, just do it!" poor little kid...then I was like wow I don't think that is very good parenting to tell your kids to just go and do it and not think, but what do I know lol. So after the parade I got the kids some snow cones (garsh I sound like a mom ahaha). So anyways....today after church we went to Olive Garden to celebrate Daniel and Kristen's birthday...it ad been quite awhile since we were all in one place as a whole family so twas really really nice :)
Well I decided that I'm not a dinosaur. Jenny says I'd make a puny dino and I suppose I'm not that ferocious...so I'm a sunflower for the time being....gnight! I'm gonna go and try to find some sleep...hopefully. Goodnight Lucy!
Well, it was Apple Blossom festival this week and yesterday I took Angela, James, Benjamin, and Jonathan to the parade. I haven't been to it since mom and dad took us to it when we moved here...so yeah it'd been awhile, but it's not the same, they don't throw candy anymore :( the sun was hot and it was really windy...the kids got a little red :S we were sitting on the sidewalk and there were these 3 younger girls...like 5 or 6 years old sitting in their little lawn chairs...anyways when a bunch of Hispanics rode by on their horses and the girls were leaning over and were like.."oh that one is a boy" and then the next horse..."that is a boy too" hehe I thought that was kinda comical :P another thing, when the clowns came walking by I overheard this mom commanding her son to go over and shake the clowns hand so she could take a picture...the little kid didn't want to, can't blame him, clowns are scary!!! :O but she insisted so he would take a step towards the clown then look back at his mom demanding him to go, he was so hesitant that the clowns passed and he didn't shake his hand...his mom like flipped out at him and was like "you can't think, just do it!" poor little kid...then I was like wow I don't think that is very good parenting to tell your kids to just go and do it and not think, but what do I know lol. So after the parade I got the kids some snow cones (garsh I sound like a mom ahaha). So anyways....today after church we went to Olive Garden to celebrate Daniel and Kristen's birthday...it ad been quite awhile since we were all in one place as a whole family so twas really really nice :)
Well I decided that I'm not a dinosaur. Jenny says I'd make a puny dino and I suppose I'm not that ferocious...so I'm a sunflower for the time being....gnight! I'm gonna go and try to find some sleep...hopefully. Goodnight Lucy!
4.26.2010
Jim Morrison quote
People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.
4.25.2010
at this time last year....
How quickly a year flies by...hmm. At this time last year, I was in South Dakota....at this time last year, on this day, I took Grandpa to the hospital....at this time last year, this coming Tuesday, Grandpa went to the nursing home...at this time last year, on Friday, me and Grandma drove grandpa to the doctor, back to the nursing home, then went home....and got the call the he wasn't on this Earth anymore....at this time last year, this coming weekend and week....I think I felt almost every emotion....sadness, happiness, hurt, anger, joy, played the 'if only' game, and placed blame. Grandpa is in no more pain now. Why do I keep getting sad? Why do I keep wishing I had more time? Why am I blaming myself...if only I would of taken better care of him, just had taken him home with me, so he could of died on the farm instead of in some stuffy, smelly nursing home room...all alone...but God is Sovereign....God is Sovereign....God is Sovereign....and I will keep telling myself this until I don't hurt anymore.....
4.20.2010
If all I had was Jesus
The message on Sunday was Spirit-filled and thought-provoking...How Then Shall We Live 2nd Peter 3:11-13
http://www.gracecovonline.com/resource-library/sermons/how-then-shall-we-live/
Thought I would answer some of the questions Josh posed in his sermon. What gives me my identity? Is Christ defining who I am? What does this mean...am I identifying who I am in Christ? Jesus says to abide and remain in Him...and I do this my loving and obeying Him. What one thing in my life is central? Whatever I make sacrifices for and rearrange everything in my life around is what that thing is...I know that I don't do that to spend time with my friend Jesus...at times I think I put myself as central...I'd rather sleep or watch a movie instead of talk to my Savior...I'd rather spend time on myself and my life then read the Word God has given me. This isn't my life though, why do I stoop to satisfying myself with temporary pleasures? OKay so this one really got to me, but I confidently can answer it...Would I be happy in heaven if Jesus wasn't there? It seems absurd to even ask this...but think about it, why would we need Jesus if in Heaven we will be completely happy...no more hurting and pain, but uncanny happiness in glorious pleasure with the ones we love! I wouldn't be happy if my Savior, my Redeemer, my Friend, my Everything was not there. That is the one thing I long and look forward to! Spending eternity with Him! Come quickly Lord Jesus!
http://www.gracecovonline.com/resource-library/sermons/how-then-shall-we-live/
Thought I would answer some of the questions Josh posed in his sermon. What gives me my identity? Is Christ defining who I am? What does this mean...am I identifying who I am in Christ? Jesus says to abide and remain in Him...and I do this my loving and obeying Him. What one thing in my life is central? Whatever I make sacrifices for and rearrange everything in my life around is what that thing is...I know that I don't do that to spend time with my friend Jesus...at times I think I put myself as central...I'd rather sleep or watch a movie instead of talk to my Savior...I'd rather spend time on myself and my life then read the Word God has given me. This isn't my life though, why do I stoop to satisfying myself with temporary pleasures? OKay so this one really got to me, but I confidently can answer it...Would I be happy in heaven if Jesus wasn't there? It seems absurd to even ask this...but think about it, why would we need Jesus if in Heaven we will be completely happy...no more hurting and pain, but uncanny happiness in glorious pleasure with the ones we love! I wouldn't be happy if my Savior, my Redeemer, my Friend, my Everything was not there. That is the one thing I long and look forward to! Spending eternity with Him! Come quickly Lord Jesus!
4.17.2010
Dream: a strongly desired goal or purpose
What is God impressing on my heart? I can feel it...it grows stronger and stronger. At times I feel like I am running out of time until I slow down to think and remember that His timing and His plan is perfect. I hold in my heart a dream, a beautiful dream only I can imagine, a dream only God can fulfill. Times come where I am down, but I still dream. I don't think I know what that dream is, I feel like it's coming to me now...what is it? It is in the secret part of me...when will it happen? Why does it feel so strongly impressed upon me at this moment...is it because the more I talk of it out loud the more I feel I can achieve it...but do I even know what it is?
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