Yes, I was singing in the shower tonight, might not seem like a big deal...you're probably like "so what, I sing in the shower too!" Well after I say that I can't remember the last time I felt like singing in the shower or anytime for that matter. My joy is starting to creep back into my soul :)
And why? Yesterday a burden was lifted. A heavy burden pressing down on me almost everyday from people in my past that hurt me extremely. So I just didn't feel like singing for quite a long time, anytime. I came to a point in my life where I was praying God either show me what I have to do or just give me a peace in my heart about the situation. And He gave me a peace and joy.
I was just sitting outside at O'Grady's Pantry listening to the little waterfalls and gazing up at the glorious mountains basked in sunlight and colors of changing leaves and I knew that I didn't have to live under the burden anymore. He has given me a new song!
I remember when I was caring for my grandparents and I was singing in the kitchen and grandma asked me why I was singing and grandpa interrupted and said "she always has something to sing about" one of the treasured memories in my heart from South Dakota. And now, once again....I do!
Another burden lifted another step to gaining back my joy :) Praise God! Amen! :)
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
10.01.2010
9.16.2010
Train - Words
Words they'll try to shake you
Don't let them break you
Or stop your world from turning
When words keep you from feeling good
Use them as firewood and let them burn
Like stones in your pocket people try to wear you down
Someone always wants to take the love you've found
So let's runs with these changes and I want you by my side
And there's not a word I've ever heard that would make me change my mind
Words they'll try to shake you
Don't let them break you
Or stop your world from turning
When words keep you from feeling good
Use them as firewood and let them burn
Underneath every word somebody's heart been broken
With or without words we try to forgive
Hmm, I'd like to think of myself as a strong person. Nothing can easily shake me...but behind my stoic front I really take what people say to me or about me to heart. I care too much about what other people think about me. I let their words shake me and even break me. I let their words stop my world from turning to a point where I just can't wait to get through the day. Other times I put up a front and pretend that it doesn't effect me...then i sin by holding bitter grudges in my heart which in turn get me down as well. Do these people not realize that they hurt me with their words? Are they trying to inflict pain?
Flip that around and I am convicted to watch the words I say. Remember what the bible says about the tongue.
With or without words I try to forgive...that is what I desire. To forgive and move on and forget. The words won't burn away though. They stay in my head and are lodged in my heart. Jesus help me to move on and act accordingly. Give me words that glorify and honor You.
Don't let them break you
Or stop your world from turning
When words keep you from feeling good
Use them as firewood and let them burn
Like stones in your pocket people try to wear you down
Someone always wants to take the love you've found
So let's runs with these changes and I want you by my side
And there's not a word I've ever heard that would make me change my mind
Words they'll try to shake you
Don't let them break you
Or stop your world from turning
When words keep you from feeling good
Use them as firewood and let them burn
Underneath every word somebody's heart been broken
With or without words we try to forgive
Hmm, I'd like to think of myself as a strong person. Nothing can easily shake me...but behind my stoic front I really take what people say to me or about me to heart. I care too much about what other people think about me. I let their words shake me and even break me. I let their words stop my world from turning to a point where I just can't wait to get through the day. Other times I put up a front and pretend that it doesn't effect me...then i sin by holding bitter grudges in my heart which in turn get me down as well. Do these people not realize that they hurt me with their words? Are they trying to inflict pain?
Flip that around and I am convicted to watch the words I say. Remember what the bible says about the tongue.
With or without words I try to forgive...that is what I desire. To forgive and move on and forget. The words won't burn away though. They stay in my head and are lodged in my heart. Jesus help me to move on and act accordingly. Give me words that glorify and honor You.
6.21.2010
UP from the depths of despair haha
Yeah we all get those down days...days with no motivation, days of loneliness, days where Satan brings the past driving back into one's head at full force. Not a very good day to start off the week I must say, but having a positive attitude of it can only go up from here is one way to beat the monster of despair and gloom. One of the ways, besides my time with my best friend and Savior, is to focus on others... We have a good Reliv friend visiting from Montana this weekend and he has agreed to do a few special events/meetings while he is in the area! It is great for me to be getting into Reliv mode again :) I realize that if I can help people and build up my business here in the States I will be having a double ministry once I am in Africa!
Africa...yeah I went river rafting on Saturday, it was da bomb, anyways while we were hanging out waiting to embark I was talking to our guide, Megan, and she had shared that she went to Kenya a few years ago. She also said that when she went she had envisioned that she would be living there for the next 20 years...but once she was there it became clear that was not what God wanted. Well, I have thought about spending a substantial amount of time in Africa...the be a change, get Reliv to those kids! Guess will have to see what happens next year.
And...today was a day of "I know." I know that all that matters is I do my best to coach for the glory of God whether we win or not. I know that someone making a decision could be a life changing thing and that it will be in God's plan. I know I have to trust Him. I know, I know, I know...but it doesn't change the way I feel. Part of my journey in getting lost in God is turning that knowing into reality...so that knowing it will be enough and change the way I feel and my attitude.
I fail, everyday...I mess up! How God can be so patient is beyond my comprehension. I can barely hold my temper when it comes to my 7 year old brother throwing a water balloon at my head when I'm leaving for work, or dumping soy nuts all over the back of my car, or noisily bouncing off the walls when I trying to talk on the phone, or...well you get the idea. But I continually am doing things like that, well not exactly like that, but you understand what I mean. I forever feel like I am falling before the throne of grace and mercy confessing and repenting. I am so mad at myself for failing in sin over and over. But it is a continual battle, every day, every hour, every minute. I will keep on messing up. Isn't it great that Christ died for your every sin before you even committed it! Ah, just blows my mind! Father forgive me for the minutes I waste for my own pleasure and satisfaction. Humble me and teach me how I can glorify You with my every breath.
What will it look like taking one day at a time, one hour at a time, glorifying Christ alone? Hmm, this girl is on the journey to find out, another peice of the puzzle, another step towards the finish and just another day in pursing to be lost in God.
Africa...yeah I went river rafting on Saturday, it was da bomb, anyways while we were hanging out waiting to embark I was talking to our guide, Megan, and she had shared that she went to Kenya a few years ago. She also said that when she went she had envisioned that she would be living there for the next 20 years...but once she was there it became clear that was not what God wanted. Well, I have thought about spending a substantial amount of time in Africa...the be a change, get Reliv to those kids! Guess will have to see what happens next year.
And...today was a day of "I know." I know that all that matters is I do my best to coach for the glory of God whether we win or not. I know that someone making a decision could be a life changing thing and that it will be in God's plan. I know I have to trust Him. I know, I know, I know...but it doesn't change the way I feel. Part of my journey in getting lost in God is turning that knowing into reality...so that knowing it will be enough and change the way I feel and my attitude.
I fail, everyday...I mess up! How God can be so patient is beyond my comprehension. I can barely hold my temper when it comes to my 7 year old brother throwing a water balloon at my head when I'm leaving for work, or dumping soy nuts all over the back of my car, or noisily bouncing off the walls when I trying to talk on the phone, or...well you get the idea. But I continually am doing things like that, well not exactly like that, but you understand what I mean. I forever feel like I am falling before the throne of grace and mercy confessing and repenting. I am so mad at myself for failing in sin over and over. But it is a continual battle, every day, every hour, every minute. I will keep on messing up. Isn't it great that Christ died for your every sin before you even committed it! Ah, just blows my mind! Father forgive me for the minutes I waste for my own pleasure and satisfaction. Humble me and teach me how I can glorify You with my every breath.
What will it look like taking one day at a time, one hour at a time, glorifying Christ alone? Hmm, this girl is on the journey to find out, another peice of the puzzle, another step towards the finish and just another day in pursing to be lost in God.
6.01.2010
Forgiveness and thoughts
Pastor Josh completed his 4 week series on church discipline yesterday. The last 2 were on forgiveness. Last week I was freed from a thinking that I think lots of Christians fall into. That because we are Christians we are supposed to forgive...like everyone, all the time. But that isn't true. It is something I was struggling with in 2 situation particularly that have been such a burden upon me. One person told me that praying for the person who wronged me is a start in a process to forgive them, and once I forgive them, then I can keep moving on. Forgive them even if they don't feel sorry or realize that they hurt me for my own psychological health. I thought that sounded reasonable and it seemed like it worked at first, but I was still feeling terrible about myself because I was still unsettled. Then what I heard last Sunday was so freeing for me. There is no unconditional forgiveness. God doesn't forgive the unrepentant sinner. Having an attitude of forgiveness is unconditional, but granting forgiveness is conditional.
But then came a whole other state of mind. Do I make these people aware that they hurt and are hurting me in the way they are acting? Just ask them if it was there intention to hurt me. Then the ball is in their court. We are supposed to live in peace with all men. But there is a problem...I have confronted these people before and it didn't go well...it hurt my family alot. So when talking to my mom she didn't think it would be a good idea either. So for the good of my family I can try to not let this get me down. Why is it such a burden on my heart though? Do I feel like I need to be justified because I have been wronged and hurt?
But then came a whole other state of mind. Do I make these people aware that they hurt and are hurting me in the way they are acting? Just ask them if it was there intention to hurt me. Then the ball is in their court. We are supposed to live in peace with all men. But there is a problem...I have confronted these people before and it didn't go well...it hurt my family alot. So when talking to my mom she didn't think it would be a good idea either. So for the good of my family I can try to not let this get me down. Why is it such a burden on my heart though? Do I feel like I need to be justified because I have been wronged and hurt?
3.17.2009
Darkness and Light
From Whiter than Snow by: Paul Tripp
He'd lived in the darkness for so long he didn't know that it was dark. Dark was normal and since he'd never experienced light, dark didn't seem dark to him. It wasn't as though he woke up in the morning praying and longing for light. And it wasn't that he had to work to accept the darkness. No, darkness was all he'd ever known. Sure, he fumbled around, bumped into things, and fell down a lot, but none of it bothered him. It was what every day was like for him. He didn't really long to see. He didn't long to see because he didn't know that there was anything worth seeing. He really did think that he saw all there was to see; darkness. He didn't have an accurate sense of size, shape, or color. He had little sense of beauty. He didn't really know what things looked like because the darkness he lived in was so pervasive that the objects around him were but shadows, blobs and blurs.
He had no idea what he looked like because he'd never really seen himself. He thought he knew what he looked like because he'd touched his face and run his hands down his torso, but he'd never seen himself in the light. He was actually quite content in his darkened world and he was quite happy to do what people do when you live in a dark place. He just got up everyday and did what you do when you can't see. Except he didn't know that he couldn't see because he'd never seen because he'd always lived in darkness.
Then it happened one day. He hadn't longed for it. He hadn't asked for it. It just happened. A shaft of light exploded into his world. At first it scared and confused him. He didn't know what it was and his eyes didn't seem able to take it in. All he really knew was that it was different from the darkness he'd always known. It was bright and beautiful and it hurt his eyes, but he couldn't stop looking. He couldn't keep himself from walking toward the light. The closer he got to the light, the more he began to see what was around him. There was a whole world of shapes and colors he'd never seen. But something even more profound began to happen to him. It was shocking, disturbing, and exciting all at once. The closer he got to the light, the more he saw himself! The first thing he realized was that he was naked. For the first time he felt naked. For the first time his nakedness made him uncomfortable. But he not only realized he was naked, he realized he was dirty. And not only was he dirty, he was confronted with the fact that he was lame.
He kept walking toward the light and he felt joy as he did so, but the joy was mixed with grief. As he walked he began to weep. He'd never wept like this before. He wept at the pain he felt over his condition. He'd not known how dirty he was. He'd not known how crippled he was and he felt overwhelmed at what he now knew. He was stunned by the fact that he'd been this way since birth and he'd never known it. He was shocked that he'd never figured out that he moved with a limp. But his shock was quickly mixed with the deepest longing he'd ever felt. It was like he was starved for something he'd never eaten, but now wanted desperately. What he wanted desperately for the first time in his life was to be clean. For the first time in his life he wasn't satisfied being crippled. He longed to be healed. And even though he didn't understand light at all, for the first time in his life he wanted to live in it. And he couldn't imagine ever being content to live in the darkness again.
So he started to run. He ran because he felt drawn - drawn to the light that had so radically altered his world. He wanted to be in the light because somehow he knew that if he could get in the light, he'd be washed and he'd be clean. Somehow he knew that if he could get to the light he would be healed. He knew he couldn't run because he was lame, but he did run. The light was drawing him. The light was giving him strength.He remembers well those darkened days in that darkened place. He remembers it all with a broken and a celebratory heart. And he is very aware that not only has he been cleansed and healed, he's been given the ability to see as well. And he's deeply grateful that he's been clothed with what he couldn't purchase and that deep within him has been placed the desire to be clean.
"Generous in love—God, give grace!
Huge in mercy—wipe out my bad record.
Scrub away my guilt,
soak out my sins in your laundry.
I know how bad I've been;
my sins are staring me down. "
Psalm 51: 1-3 (The Message)
my own thoughts:
I knew of the Light and thought I was living in it. But in a sense I was in darkness. It was a slow fade...it wasn't like I crumbled in a day. I look back and realize that the one thing I struggled with made me fall, fall down deep. I thought I would never be able to get up again, I was full of shame, guilt, devastation. Falling into the darkness I looked up and could see, finally, exactly what the Light was. Before me was the cross, before me was the Throne of Grace, before me was the Savior I had been taking for granted. Can I now wish I had never fallen? Because if I hadn't I would still be wondering around thinking I am better then most people. But I am not. All of us are lost and in need of a Savior.
The pain of the past hurts at times. I know it shaped me into the person I am to be, but it still hurts...am I to be thankful for it? Should I wish it never happened? But what happened refined me into who I am already called to be.
He'd lived in the darkness for so long he didn't know that it was dark. Dark was normal and since he'd never experienced light, dark didn't seem dark to him. It wasn't as though he woke up in the morning praying and longing for light. And it wasn't that he had to work to accept the darkness. No, darkness was all he'd ever known. Sure, he fumbled around, bumped into things, and fell down a lot, but none of it bothered him. It was what every day was like for him. He didn't really long to see. He didn't long to see because he didn't know that there was anything worth seeing. He really did think that he saw all there was to see; darkness. He didn't have an accurate sense of size, shape, or color. He had little sense of beauty. He didn't really know what things looked like because the darkness he lived in was so pervasive that the objects around him were but shadows, blobs and blurs.
He had no idea what he looked like because he'd never really seen himself. He thought he knew what he looked like because he'd touched his face and run his hands down his torso, but he'd never seen himself in the light. He was actually quite content in his darkened world and he was quite happy to do what people do when you live in a dark place. He just got up everyday and did what you do when you can't see. Except he didn't know that he couldn't see because he'd never seen because he'd always lived in darkness.
Then it happened one day. He hadn't longed for it. He hadn't asked for it. It just happened. A shaft of light exploded into his world. At first it scared and confused him. He didn't know what it was and his eyes didn't seem able to take it in. All he really knew was that it was different from the darkness he'd always known. It was bright and beautiful and it hurt his eyes, but he couldn't stop looking. He couldn't keep himself from walking toward the light. The closer he got to the light, the more he began to see what was around him. There was a whole world of shapes and colors he'd never seen. But something even more profound began to happen to him. It was shocking, disturbing, and exciting all at once. The closer he got to the light, the more he saw himself! The first thing he realized was that he was naked. For the first time he felt naked. For the first time his nakedness made him uncomfortable. But he not only realized he was naked, he realized he was dirty. And not only was he dirty, he was confronted with the fact that he was lame.
He kept walking toward the light and he felt joy as he did so, but the joy was mixed with grief. As he walked he began to weep. He'd never wept like this before. He wept at the pain he felt over his condition. He'd not known how dirty he was. He'd not known how crippled he was and he felt overwhelmed at what he now knew. He was stunned by the fact that he'd been this way since birth and he'd never known it. He was shocked that he'd never figured out that he moved with a limp. But his shock was quickly mixed with the deepest longing he'd ever felt. It was like he was starved for something he'd never eaten, but now wanted desperately. What he wanted desperately for the first time in his life was to be clean. For the first time in his life he wasn't satisfied being crippled. He longed to be healed. And even though he didn't understand light at all, for the first time in his life he wanted to live in it. And he couldn't imagine ever being content to live in the darkness again.
So he started to run. He ran because he felt drawn - drawn to the light that had so radically altered his world. He wanted to be in the light because somehow he knew that if he could get in the light, he'd be washed and he'd be clean. Somehow he knew that if he could get to the light he would be healed. He knew he couldn't run because he was lame, but he did run. The light was drawing him. The light was giving him strength.He remembers well those darkened days in that darkened place. He remembers it all with a broken and a celebratory heart. And he is very aware that not only has he been cleansed and healed, he's been given the ability to see as well. And he's deeply grateful that he's been clothed with what he couldn't purchase and that deep within him has been placed the desire to be clean.
"Generous in love—God, give grace!
Huge in mercy—wipe out my bad record.
Scrub away my guilt,
soak out my sins in your laundry.
I know how bad I've been;
my sins are staring me down. "
Psalm 51: 1-3 (The Message)
my own thoughts:
I knew of the Light and thought I was living in it. But in a sense I was in darkness. It was a slow fade...it wasn't like I crumbled in a day. I look back and realize that the one thing I struggled with made me fall, fall down deep. I thought I would never be able to get up again, I was full of shame, guilt, devastation. Falling into the darkness I looked up and could see, finally, exactly what the Light was. Before me was the cross, before me was the Throne of Grace, before me was the Savior I had been taking for granted. Can I now wish I had never fallen? Because if I hadn't I would still be wondering around thinking I am better then most people. But I am not. All of us are lost and in need of a Savior.
The pain of the past hurts at times. I know it shaped me into the person I am to be, but it still hurts...am I to be thankful for it? Should I wish it never happened? But what happened refined me into who I am already called to be.
1.21.2009
Moving in May
So...My week has gone great! Sunday after biblestudy brought a whole new headache...lol but a good kind of headache from thinking alot. Just after the study I got into a discussion with a friend and this other guy. It was really good and just too much to type about.
Then Monday I talked to my Aunt Peggy about what being planned about G'ma and G'pa's situation. She asked how long I would be staying (and the thing was after talking with Daniel and Eric on Sunday, driving home I was praying about the very thing of how long God wanted me here. I got the sense all of a sudden that He wanted me to stay the summer...and I was like no, I am going back in the summer!) but I told her in April or May and she said that they have been looking for a place for g'ma and g'pa to move them to a place in town or assistant living or nursing home in May. So I will be coming back in May, unless this is not God's plan. I really don't wanna see g'ma and g'pa put in a place that is depressing and my aunt assured me that they never would do that and they would be put in a good place, I guess I knew that.
SO the week was going good...Until a certain person contacted me on Monday night, then everything that happened a few months ago came flooding back into my mind...I've been trying to block it out, but it keeps haunting me. I don't get it! I don't understand! Why can't these people just leave me alone! I don't even understand how people can even be that way!? It is just incredible, in a crazy, scary almost shocking kind of way!!! So Tuesday was a beautiful day and I went on a long walk and found a spot by the creek and just fell to my knees crying out to God...I tried to pray out my heart, my deepest feelings...just laying myself open to Him who knows my heart and understand me even if I don't understand myself. This time the peace that usually comes after bearing my heart to God didn't come as filling me. I still feel unsettled. And today was not a good day.
I have been repeating Proverbs 3:5-6 over and over in my head to get in my heart...to truly hold on to the promise it gives! It is such a great verse that I feel have taken for granted since I memorized when i was like 6. But it is soooooo true! TRUST in the LORD with all of your HEART! and lean not on your own understanding. in ALL your ways acknowledge HIM and HE will DIRECT your paths. I realize that I may not understand but that is not the point because if I try to do it on my own understanding I'm lost! If I rely and trust Him in everything...EVERYTHING!!! He will direct me, it says it right there in His word!!! WOW! :D :D
I have also started reading a book Courtney gave me for Christmas, White as Snow...meditations on sin and mercy by Paul David Tripp. It has been really amazing so far!
Then Monday I talked to my Aunt Peggy about what being planned about G'ma and G'pa's situation. She asked how long I would be staying (and the thing was after talking with Daniel and Eric on Sunday, driving home I was praying about the very thing of how long God wanted me here. I got the sense all of a sudden that He wanted me to stay the summer...and I was like no, I am going back in the summer!) but I told her in April or May and she said that they have been looking for a place for g'ma and g'pa to move them to a place in town or assistant living or nursing home in May. So I will be coming back in May, unless this is not God's plan. I really don't wanna see g'ma and g'pa put in a place that is depressing and my aunt assured me that they never would do that and they would be put in a good place, I guess I knew that.
SO the week was going good...Until a certain person contacted me on Monday night, then everything that happened a few months ago came flooding back into my mind...I've been trying to block it out, but it keeps haunting me. I don't get it! I don't understand! Why can't these people just leave me alone! I don't even understand how people can even be that way!? It is just incredible, in a crazy, scary almost shocking kind of way!!! So Tuesday was a beautiful day and I went on a long walk and found a spot by the creek and just fell to my knees crying out to God...I tried to pray out my heart, my deepest feelings...just laying myself open to Him who knows my heart and understand me even if I don't understand myself. This time the peace that usually comes after bearing my heart to God didn't come as filling me. I still feel unsettled. And today was not a good day.
I have been repeating Proverbs 3:5-6 over and over in my head to get in my heart...to truly hold on to the promise it gives! It is such a great verse that I feel have taken for granted since I memorized when i was like 6. But it is soooooo true! TRUST in the LORD with all of your HEART! and lean not on your own understanding. in ALL your ways acknowledge HIM and HE will DIRECT your paths. I realize that I may not understand but that is not the point because if I try to do it on my own understanding I'm lost! If I rely and trust Him in everything...EVERYTHING!!! He will direct me, it says it right there in His word!!! WOW! :D :D
I have also started reading a book Courtney gave me for Christmas, White as Snow...meditations on sin and mercy by Paul David Tripp. It has been really amazing so far!
12.24.2008
I can't believe I have already been home for a week and a half! I've been having such a great time though! It is a little hard for me to think that I will be back in SD soon...so I won't think about it.
It already Christmas! It is weird because last year I was in SD at this time and mow it is the opposite. I find myself saying Yes I go back 'home' January 5th. But SD is not my home. The first week I was home in WA I didn't want to go back to SD at all, I think because of all that had happened when i left. But now I do want to return, idk why. I love it here and don't think I could ever live in SD. I am thinking that I will drive here to WA once the snow is melted, but what will I do? I have a summer job for sure, but no plan til then. I have been praying about doing reliv, but I don't' have enough money right now.
I have so much running through my head.
I have forgiven the people that hurt me in SD. It was such an amazing feeling when it happened. Sunday night at church, they were talking about Jesus coming as the Light and then how we are now to be a light for Him. And I just thought I'm not really being a light if I don't forgive them. I hadn't really been angry at them, just hurt. I didn't realize that I needed to forgive them. But I did...it still hurts though, but the pain will go away with prayer and time, it has before.
God, what do you have for me in these next few months? Be near me.
It already Christmas! It is weird because last year I was in SD at this time and mow it is the opposite. I find myself saying Yes I go back 'home' January 5th. But SD is not my home. The first week I was home in WA I didn't want to go back to SD at all, I think because of all that had happened when i left. But now I do want to return, idk why. I love it here and don't think I could ever live in SD. I am thinking that I will drive here to WA once the snow is melted, but what will I do? I have a summer job for sure, but no plan til then. I have been praying about doing reliv, but I don't' have enough money right now.
I have so much running through my head.
I have forgiven the people that hurt me in SD. It was such an amazing feeling when it happened. Sunday night at church, they were talking about Jesus coming as the Light and then how we are now to be a light for Him. And I just thought I'm not really being a light if I don't forgive them. I hadn't really been angry at them, just hurt. I didn't realize that I needed to forgive them. But I did...it still hurts though, but the pain will go away with prayer and time, it has before.
God, what do you have for me in these next few months? Be near me.
12.15.2008
You find out who your friends are...
...this phrase has been becoming more true to me. Especially after what happened in SD. People I thought were my friends and I thought I could trust, but really didn't love me. My friends here at home have been so accepting and loving me no matter what. My true friends understand human nature and that we all fall short, we all sin and mess up. But God grace and forgiveness is amazing! And He continues to bless me with that and never fails to amaze me with my amazing friends and family. I can't stop getting over how loved I am! By God, my family and friends will always love me no matter what! And someday, I hope, to meet some special guy who will too :)
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