Complicated

Definition: difficult to analyze, understand, explain.
What is complicated? Life. Relationships. Faith. People. Me. 
Who isn't complicated? God.
He is faithful, unchangeable, constant, loving, trustworthy, Sovereign.

Nothing left to lose

God..."You say you have a plan for me and that you want the best for my life. Told me the world had yet to see what You can do with one that's committed to Your calling. I know of course what I should do...that I can't hold these dreams forever. If I give them now to You...Will You take them away forever? Or can I dream again?"

Why is it when I love, I love so well, so that when the object of my feelings are taken away it just hurts so bad? I try to be so tough, but I'm just not strong enough...I can't do this alone God I need you to hold onto me. I have no more tears left to cry, at the moment lol, I have to let go and move on, letting nothing steal my joy...even though I don't understand...

I don't know

I don't know what to do. In this state of mind I'm stuck. I do know that God is faithful and I need to put my trust in Him. That when I do trust Him, He will give me the desires of my heart, and that the desires of my heart should align with God's agenda. What are the desires of my heart? Dare I dream? Dare I pursue the desires of my heart. My hopes. My dreams and ambitions. Is what I want just an ambition or a calling? How can I know when I feel torn between so many things that I want and that I feel. The spirit is willing but but the flesh is weak, oh how true. Is it wrong to want to do something great instead of just, what I feel, is the average? And is this great thing that I long for just an ambition or destiny? No, it is more then ambition. But how come I can't seem to go towards it? I feel like I should be moving forward to grasping instead of remaining in the same place every day. I want to go out and experience life. What kind of life? The life where I'm not stuck in a day to day schedule. A life where every day is filled with challenges, difficulties, and even danger. Can I have that life here or do I need to go somewhere else? Shouldn't everyday be like that for me in my walk with Christ? Do I make it to easy? Is God teaching me contentment once again...I want to feel the things that are right and moral...if I'm supposed to be content does that mean I'm supposed to settle? Ahhhh this wild passion I have has been contained for so long but recent events have stirred it up again even to a greater burning in my heart. Show me the way to go Heavenly Father. I cry out to You for help. I will do whatever You ask of me, that is and will always be my deepest desire. 

I feel like screaming...but its whatever really...argh

AAAHHH! Okay, I am okay. Eh, I don't like when I feel like this. Argh. Blah. :P Whatever. Nothing happened today. I have no specific reason I'm feeling this way, so its whatever really. Hmmm...I haven't posted in over a month, gotta get back on it! It is weird cuz I'll go through phases where I post alot then am silent for periods of time. Blah.
Well, phewy. I don't know even where to start or what to say. I think I know what the problem is but I can't get over the (what feels like) a mountian! Ergh. Yeah. Okay. I can't get my thoughts typed out on the computer screen right now so...I be posting actually something worth reading later...okay, sorry to waste your time of reading a worthless post. Bye.

cease to be awake........NOW!

okay so the last 5 days I've only had like 17 hours of sleep, way less then half of what I'm used to...and the crazy thing is I'm not tired! I don't know why I can't sleep either. Too much in my head. I have never ever had trouble sleeping! I don't get it! :S But I hoping to get a goodnights rest tonight! So.....night!

oh how my heart hurts...

last night was an encouragement to me from talking to my mom...she had read what i wrote on 1.31.09 and had told me she thought that is not what God wants for me...remaining single. And that He is just telling me to remain satisfied in Him at this time right now. Until I am restored and totally healed. That I should not go into a relationship or marriage carrying all of it with me because it could be harmful to the relationship. I must say that totally falling fully on God to find satisfaction is way more restoring then seeking it else where! I love mom so much, she is the most amazing person.

...but before that i was told something that made me ache inside for my mom. it made me want to go home right away to be with my family. i have been in constant prayer ever since i hung up with her and i didn't get right to sleep either. I know that only God can work in this situation...although it is extremely hard. That is all i can say about it though.

Thoughts

Is thinking too much good or bad for a person? Argh! I'm still praying about what I posted previously...I don't want to fall into a mind game. I really want to be actively waiting on God. After posting this one of my friends asked me out to a movie. I must admitted that I do kind of like him, but I am going to say no. Not only has it not been that long since everything that happened in the fall, but I'm not sure what direction God wants me to take. I just don't understand why that happened after I thought God would want me to be satisfied in Him alone :S but I will not try to lean on my own understanding, and acknowlegde Him in everything!

Confused

I have been thinking allot about the Campus Massacre in VA...I just can't seem to grasp my inner thoughts, I'm not sure what to think about it. How can a single human being be so heartless? What did someone do to him that brought on the murdering of so many young people? Young people like me! Who had their whole life ahead of them, so many dreams and plans, just like I have! And they were taken away by the pull of a trigger! I can't even imagine the utter pain the friends and family are feeling right now! I've only felt a slice of that grief, but not as intense as them! I pray to God to bring peace to their hearts and comfort to their pain. I pray that this would bring them closer to God and that there would be no bitterness. Why did this happen? Why does anything like this ever happen?
God's will be done...if storms didn't come into our lives, when could He show His comfort. As John Piper says in his book The Passion of Jesus Christ, "Every act of treachery and brutality against Jesus was sinful and evil. But God was in it." And, "There was no greater sin than to hate and kill the Son of God. There was no greater suffering nor any greater innocence than the suffering and innocence of Christ. Yet God was in it all." I do trust God even though in times like this it is hard and sometimes confusing. When things so evil as what happened at VA Tech happen...God is in it, He is near! And I guess I can take comfort in that.

Broken Windows, Broken Noses, and After Thoughts

Well...our family had quite an exciting day the other day! But not quite in a good way, mind you. To begin with...my mom called me at home when she was going to pick up my brother from baseball practice. Apparently the baseball had hit him in the nose and it was assumed that it was broken! So, she had to take him to the clinic. Upon arriving home, we then received a call from my father, who was away in Portland, OR on business. Someone had broken the window of his jeep and stolen his briefcase, which had important work papers in it, and his fanny pack, which had his passport, GPS, and digital camera in it! Unfortunately, my Dad picked the wrong week to be there! On a random night once a year, someone hits all the hotels in Portland and breaks into peoples vehicles, so my Dad was not the only victim. In conclusion...my brothers nose was just fractured, so it will not prevent him from playing baseball, and my Father was just at the wrong place at the wrong time.

P.S.
My own thoughts: I was so angry that people are so...oh, idk, evil! ARGhhhhhhh! The feelings I felt when I heard what happen to Dad were so strong! How dare anyone one do something like this! I feel bad for Dad as well as everyone else who got robbed! Why do people do things like this? Steal from hard-working people!?!
Well I have quite calmed myself now and the only thing I can think of for WHY is because the world is evil...since the fall of man, we will always fall into temptation and sin. We would be hopelessly lost as sinners were it not for God's love, forgiveness, and the saving blood of Jesus. That is why I do forgive the people that did this and I pray for them. Not that they would give back all the stuff they stole, but that they would someday accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. Who knows...maybe I'll be in heaven with them someday.

What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?