Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them?

This has definitely been the year of crappy friendships lol. 3 of meaningful friendships in my life have been toasted! Poof! Gone! Vanished! Extinguished! Should I keep going...? Or you get the idea :P
I am not bitter, more hurt than anything ya know? These people had been very special to me...I loved them. We hung out, had great conversations...and then it was like they didn't care anymore, they didn't give a damn. (is that too harsh?) I don't understand how someone can have a great friendship with another person...and...then...just...I don't know...not...
Anyways, it hasn't held me back. I keep seeking out other friendships...building those relationships. Opening myself up to get hurt. Every time you have a conversation with someone you are opening yourself up to get hurt. You trust that other person, you share your thoughts, dreams, you share your heart with them....give them a picture of what a kind of person you are.

Sickkkk :P

Well its 2AM and I'm awake...because I slept all day basically. I woke up early and had a pounding headache, nausea, and a 103 fever. Well I didn't coach or go work at Mary Lous. My fever broke this afternoon and after lots of painkillers, Reliv Energize, plus my shakes, and prayer:) I'm feeling better with a light headache still. I'm about to hit the hay. But anyways, I hate being sick. Last week of swim team! OMG it's gone so fast...Champs are on Saturday!

Cashmere vs. UVST

And we pulled off a win! Since the beginning of the swim team season I had been dreading/excited for this meet. I wanted to win so badly...just because of all the strive we dealt with Elizabeth at the pool last year...then UVST (aka Upper Valley Swim Team) didn't hire me back....and THEN she ended up coaching! I mean seriously! At the beginning of the meet all my swimmers from last year were like "why didn't you coach us?" traitor, why are you at Cashmere?" I probably explained over 20 times that Leavenworth didn't hire me back and Cashmere did. Some of the kids said they missed me. But I'm at Cashmere now and there is no going back! Depending on what happens when I get back from Africa I am definitely going to coach Cashmere again next summer :)
Anyways, we won quality score Cashmere 3.9 and UVST 3.2!!! And we got only 12 disqualifications! I'd say that is pretty good considering we got over 40 the first meet lol.
I was so so so happy when we won, God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good! :)

South Deeekooota in da Fall

Ahhh! I'm excited :) Got a one-way ticket to Minneapolis in October! Gonna spend a few days with my Grandma and aunt and uncle. Then on the 24th go and see Celtic Thunder with my kindred spirit JENNY!!! Woohoo! After I'll go back home with her to South Deeekoooota for a couple weeks and we'll do what best friends do! I'm stoked...yup yup!

heart healing

Can I now say my heart is healed? It is definitely on its way. It began last Saturday, God started working in my heart when I was reading Living The Cross Centered Life and the part I was reading was talking about feelings and how "we let our feeling tell us what's true, instead of letting the truth transform our feelings" and thinking over the pass 2 weeks I have let my feeling over heart hurt govern the way I go about my day, whether eating, not eating, sleeping, not sleeping I was letting the way I felt put me in a numb state where at one point I wasn't even caring about my physical health...then last Sunday Art Azurdia a visiting pastor form a church plant we are helping out in Portland came and gave this message.
(here is some of my notes)
Fix You Eyes Upon Jesus
Hebrews 12:1-3
Would I die for Jesus Christ? I would not die for Christ unless I live daily for Christ...a taking up of the cross daily. He gave 3 words...Listen, Divest, and Focus.
Focus. Focus. Focus...attention on Christ...looking to Jesus. He is the ultimate man of faith. I need to be relentlessly preoccupied with Jesus and nothing else (not other people, like guys :P) Jesus ran His race in perfect perfection against the greatest opposition. It's not about starting, it's about starting to finish the race.

1st Peter 1
³Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, ⁵who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. ⁶In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. ⁸Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, ⁹for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Just for a little while suffer grief in all kinds of trials...but what do we have to look forward to! A beautiful ending! One with our Savior..forever. In light of this knowledge how then can I live each day? Knowing my end! Knowing that there is more to life than just getting hurt and disappointed and hurt over and over. My heart can be healed and full of joy!

This is where the healing begins...

by: Tenth Avenue North

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Summer Update

Well the summer is halfway over! I can't believe how fast it is going! I will be done coaching in 2 weeks...we have had a great season so far. I love all the kids and how much practice time we get to work on stuff. We have won all of our meets so far except for Ephrata, but it was really close, so we might be able to pull off a win at Champs! The last meet is this coming Wednesday against Leavenworth (USVT) and I'm feeling pretty good about it...I think we have a chance to beat them. Championships is on July 31st and then the pool party in on August 1.
Then August 12-15 is International conference for Reliv in St. Louis! Woohoo! I am so excited for this conference. First it'll be my last one until next year because I will miss National conference since I will be in Africa. Second, because I remember how motivated I was coming home from the last one until I hit the wall. Third I need this. Positive healthy people to lift me up and encourage me.
As for Africa, I have finished my application and have one letter of recommendation from my pastor. I have to get one more letter and then I'm meeting with one of our church deacons to talk about ideas for support and fund raising!
My Lost in God plan for the summer is fallen in a rut, but more on that later, I need to sleep...if I can, anyways...peace out.

heart matters

I remember years ago someone told me I should take caution when it comes to love...I did...

Can't put into words the way I feel right now...the way I've been feeling since over 2 weeks ago. I haven't written anything about it. Each day has felt different. The first few days I felt and empty loneliness inside...and I couldn't cry.

Tell them all I know now shout it from the rooftops write it on the skyline...

I haven't really cried much, most of that was done before I realized how I really felt, but didn't want to admit it. 4 days of utter agony deep in my soul until I realized that I needed to grab ahold of what i was denying myself...and I did. But was disappointed...

Tell them I was happy and now my heart is broken all my scars are open tell them what I hoped would be IMPOSSIBLE...

It hurt so much. I'd like to say that I've never been in love...that my relationship with Daniel was based on infatuation and lust. But now...all of a sudden my heart was liking Aaron...and I didn't realize it and when I did it was the most clearest thing in the world to me...I put my heart out there and it got broken, for the first time. But I have yet to experience what it feels like to have someone hold me and have nothing else matter in the world at that moment, right now I don't think that will ever happen for me.

Falling out of love is hard...

And now I cannot settle for something less. It wouldn't be fair to that person or to me. This situation seems hopeless. But I can't give up. It will all get better in time. Yes...the sleepless night will go away...the feeling I have not to live another day...and to just give up...it will go away, in time.

All we had is gone now.

Happy 4th!!!

♫ ♪ ♪ "I thank God for my life, For the stars and stripes, May freedom
forever fly, let it ring. Salute the ones who died, And the ones
that gave their lives, So we don’t have to sacrifice, All the things
we love..." ♪ ♪
like our Chicken Fried
:D