Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them?

This has definitely been the year of crappy friendships lol. 3 of meaningful friendships in my life have been toasted! Poof! Gone! Vanished! Extinguished! Should I keep going...? Or you get the idea :P
I am not bitter, more hurt than anything ya know? These people had been very special to me...I loved them. We hung out, had great conversations...and then it was like they didn't care anymore, they didn't give a damn. (is that too harsh?) I don't understand how someone can have a great friendship with another person...and...then...just...I don't know...not...
Anyways, it hasn't held me back. I keep seeking out other friendships...building those relationships. Opening myself up to get hurt. Every time you have a conversation with someone you are opening yourself up to get hurt. You trust that other person, you share your thoughts, dreams, you share your heart with them....give them a picture of what a kind of person you are.

South Deeekooota in da Fall

Ahhh! I'm excited :) Got a one-way ticket to Minneapolis in October! Gonna spend a few days with my Grandma and aunt and uncle. Then on the 24th go and see Celtic Thunder with my kindred spirit JENNY!!! Woohoo! After I'll go back home with her to South Deeekoooota for a couple weeks and we'll do what best friends do! I'm stoked...yup yup!

Find out who your friends are

I don't get it. That's the third time this month. 3 different "friends."  If they are NOT gonna get back to me when they say they will then at least don't even say you will! "I will call you right back"  "I will text you tomorrow with the details"  "I will get back to you later with where we'll meet" and no reply...I'm mean what the hay :P
But whatever, it no big deal...it doesn't hurt as much as what I've had to deal with my so-called "friends." Being back-stabbed 2 years ago in SD by the people I thought were my friends, then I thought was the worst, but doesn't compared to this hurt right now.
We've been friends for over 7 years! And then all of a sudden it doesn't mean anything!? I've put up with enough hurt from them. If you have a horse that keeps bucking you off do you keep it!? Or just get rid of it? It can't be trained!

Forgiveness and thoughts

Pastor Josh completed his 4 week series on church discipline yesterday. The last 2 were on forgiveness. Last week I was freed from a thinking that I think lots of Christians fall into. That because we are Christians we are supposed to forgive...like everyone, all the time. But that isn't true. It is something I was struggling with in 2 situation particularly that have been such a burden upon me. One person told me that praying for the person who wronged me is a start in a process to forgive them, and once I forgive them, then I can keep moving on. Forgive them even if they don't feel sorry or realize that they hurt me for my own psychological health. I thought that sounded reasonable and it seemed like it worked at first, but I was still feeling terrible about myself because I was still unsettled. Then what I heard last Sunday was so freeing  for me. There is no unconditional forgiveness. God doesn't forgive the unrepentant sinner. Having an attitude of forgiveness is unconditional, but granting forgiveness is conditional.
But then came a whole other state of mind. Do I make these people aware that they hurt and are hurting me in the way they are acting? Just ask them if it was there intention to hurt me. Then the ball is in their court. We are supposed to live in peace with all men. But there is a problem...I have confronted these people before and it didn't go well...it hurt  my family alot. So when talking to my mom she didn't think it would be a good idea either. So for the good of my family I can try to not let this get me down. Why is it such a burden on my heart though? Do I feel like I need to be justified because I have been wronged and hurt?

Moving in May

So...My week has gone great! Sunday after biblestudy brought a whole new headache...lol but a good kind of headache from thinking alot. Just after the study I got into a discussion with a friend and this other guy. It was really good and just too much to type about.
Then Monday I talked to my Aunt Peggy about what being planned about G'ma and G'pa's situation. She asked how long I would be staying (and the thing was after talking with Daniel and Eric on Sunday, driving home I was praying about the very thing of how long God wanted me here. I got the sense all of a sudden that He wanted me to stay the summer...and I was like no, I am going back in the summer!) but I told her in April or May and she said that they have been looking for a place for g'ma and g'pa to move them to a place in town or assistant living or nursing home in May. So I will be coming back in May, unless this is not God's plan. I really don't wanna see g'ma and g'pa put in a place that is depressing and my aunt assured me that they never would do that and they would be put in a good place, I guess I knew that.

SO the week was going good...Until a certain person contacted me on Monday night, then everything that happened a few months ago came flooding back into my mind...I've been trying to block it out, but it keeps haunting me. I don't get it! I don't understand! Why can't these people just leave me alone! I don't even understand how people can even be that way!? It is just incredible, in a crazy, scary almost shocking kind of way!!! So Tuesday was a beautiful day and I went on a long walk and found a spot by the creek and just fell to my knees crying out to God...I tried to pray out my heart, my deepest feelings...just laying myself open to Him who knows my heart and understand me even if I don't understand myself. This time the peace that usually comes after bearing my heart to God didn't come as filling me. I still feel unsettled. And today was not a good day.
I have been repeating Proverbs 3:5-6 over and over in my head to get in my heart...to truly hold on to the promise it gives! It is such a great verse that I feel have taken for granted since I memorized when i was like 6. But it is soooooo true! TRUST in the LORD with all of your HEART! and lean not on your own understanding. in ALL your ways acknowledge HIM and HE will DIRECT your paths. I realize that I may not understand but that is not the point because if I try to do it on my own understanding I'm lost! If I rely and trust Him in everything...EVERYTHING!!! He will direct me, it says it right there in His word!!! WOW! :D :D
I have also started reading a book Courtney gave me for Christmas, White as Snow...meditations on sin and mercy by Paul David Tripp. It has been really amazing so far!

Doo doo doop dee doo

ahh well okay....this week has gone so fast! Once I got back to gma and gpa's things just began falling back into routine. To start off the week Sunday night I saw Tell and he wouldn't even talk to me let alone acknowledge I was even there. It was bothering me about what to do...since I had gotten home over break I was just praying about what God wanted me to do...talk to him again or just leave it alone. That night I was reading Psalm 27...the psalm of my life at this time...and the last verse said WAIT on the Lord. There was my answer right in front of me. I trust that all things work together for good for them that trust Him.
So busy week...it was so great to get back here to gma and gpa's! Seeing them again! But, alas, I began feeling down on Tuesday...but God is soooooooo awesome! He brought me a new friend who truly was a great encouragement to me! I met Nicole through mom and dad who knew her through Reliv...she was actually the one who told me about the biblestudy where I met Tell. Well we finally went out for that coffee we had kept saying we were gonna get. Oh why had we not before I foolishly fell into making the wrong choices!? BUT God's plan is perfect...I know there would be no way I would be as close to Him now if I didn't go through all the pain....I do have times when I began to wish I could of done things differently but right away I try to change that thinking cuz what happened made me who I am today and....it is so great the things i have learned through it all. GOD IS AWESOME!!!!! WOW!!!
So Nicole really helped me. And suggesting ways I can be a light and joy for my gparents. She is a prayer warrior and said I can call her anytime! I love her! She is truly a blessing from God to me!
Reliv has been going great! I am learning alot and am becoming more excited about what i can do with this business! Heard a great story call on Thursday about people my age who have had alot of success and that gave me hope. I am so passionate about being able to help people with their health and even their finances! Reliv has done so much for my family i will never be without it! It took me awhile to see the vision but i am beginning to and can't wait to go to the International conference in Feb. at Fort Worth TEXAS babay!!!! :)
So life is going...as long as I continue to cling to Him that sustains me! WOW WOW WOW!!! GOD IS AMAZING!!! I look forward to what He has planned for me to do for His glory!
Okay I am finally getting tired now! Goodnight! :D :D

You find out who your friends are...

...this phrase has been becoming more true to me. Especially after what happened in SD. People I thought were my friends and I thought I could trust, but really didn't love me. My friends here at home have been so accepting and loving me no matter what. My true friends understand human nature and that we all fall short, we all sin and mess up. But God grace and forgiveness is amazing! And He continues to bless me with that and never fails to amaze me with my amazing friends and family. I can't stop getting over how loved I am! By God, my family and friends will always love me no matter what! And someday, I hope, to meet some special guy who will too :)

from a dream to a nightmare

it has only been a week, and things have kept building up and got worse. Tell had a date two days ago and then the other night friends I thought were my friends...well lets just say they weren't. What hurts the most is that Tell believes the lies about me even though i told him the truth. Why are people believing an unbeliever. They don't even know me...is that why? Can't they see Jesus in me? I haven't even tried to say anything because I'm sure it will just make it worse and people will turn what i say into more stories.
The pain became almost more then I could bear the other night. Not because I care what they think because I don't. I know what happen, God knows what happened and my parents know what happened. Most importantly God...He knows my heart. It hurts because of what they did, behind my back like they planned it, not Tell, but the two other people I called friends. This world is so evil. I felt sorry for them because they are lost and can't see their sin, but now I don't even care. I'm not mad or angry at them, just so hurt that i don't what to take it any more.
Psalm 27 pretty much became my life that night. I felt so alone because i basically have been. There is no one the talk to about this out here. Except God. And it is hard to talk on the phone because this hurts so much i need to be with the person. Only my parents and my mentor and my mom's friend know what really happened and have been encouraging to me. Praying for me. i don't know what i would do with out them. When I get home I plan to tell two more people who mean alot to me. Meeka and Dewie, but other then that this is a hurt that I feel only I can fully bear.
I keep thinking and praying and hurting. God is more concerned about my character then my comfort. He seems to be telling me "I know this hurts, but it needs to happen to get you where you need to be."
This has been the most thing that has hurt in my life now. What happened 4 years ago can't even begin to compare and I thought that was painful!
I try not to think back to oh i should of not done this or that or whatever, but i has happened and i can't wish it away. Only look for what God is teaching me rather then why this is happening.

Hebrews 4: 14-16

"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

God is great and awesome, and I don't know how I would survive without Him. How can anybody?

Summer Times...

Well I thought I would journal a little bit today since I haven't posted anything in awhile and plus I have some time to kill before I have to go back to work! My summer has been going good and has pretty much been a great one. It is my last summer as a teenager haha, so I want it to be fun, which it has...I am working at the pool everyday...lifeguarding, teaching swimming lessons, and the best thing so far has been coaching! At first I was really nervous when I started, but it has gotten better and as been really fun! I think I pretty much got all 140 names down now! heehee! It has been good working with Reid and all of the kids!
I jumped off the bridge at Blackbird Island for the first time ever this summer, with Marika! Very, very exciting I know! :) Also went up to lake Wenatchee to the Boyd's cabin and went swimming and tubing which I screamed so much that it hurt to talk the next day...fun!!! Went cosmic bowling in evening dresses for Megan's birthday...my tan lines with the evening dress looked lovely! lol! I loved the fireworks for the 4th of July down at Walla Walla park, and I had the house all to myself for a week while my family went to South Dakota to visit family, (even though I wished to go with them!) really, really!
What I want to do before the summer is over is go to the drive-in, go bowling again, go on a really long hike...maybe even camping, of course go back to lake wenatchee and try wake boarding!
This summer has also kind of been putting me in leadership positions, with coaching and returning as a guard...and I might be leading a biblestudy too! One thing I don't have is a guy...which really I am content not to! God has been teaching me to fall deeply in love with Him this summer! At the beginning of June I was kind of hoping to meet someone since I'm almost 20 and will be finishing school next year, but so far nothing! But it's okay, I love my heavenly Father and trust him for His timing! Until then I will enjoy the rest of my summer and fall even more deeply in love with my Father and my Savior! God will bring me my prince charming when it's time!

Air-Soft War!

I had so much fun on Sunday! Next on the list is a paintball war! Yeah! It was a great time up in the hills of Dryden! lol!
The gang! Oh yeah was this fun...running around shooting eachother with little plastic bb's, but having one heck of a fun day! :)

Devan and Kristen

Me and Muffin!

After a war way up in the hills, (miles away from anything! j/k!) Me, Devan, Jesse, Daniel, Rachel T. and me got sort of lost, but of course we had the reassurance of the guys, (who wouldn't stop for directions, lol) but us girls weren't too worried...

Didn't really get any action pictures, but Kristen did get some intense act of us "slaying" the boys in the chicken coop! Watch out!

Prepare to die! This is as probably as close to action as your gonna see!

Thanks for the pics Devan!

Well...spring break is over and a new quarter starts tomorrow. I think this quarter is going to be pretty easy for me as well as fun! I'm taking History, First Aid, Personal Wellness, and Sign Language! yup, yup! My spring break was good, nothing to exciting. Had a fun sewing day with a friend and I also went to see Shooter at the theaters with some other friends (good movie, kinda bloody). Yesterday I went to an air-soft war with even more friends...lol...it was the funnest! Good times! I can't wait until Wednesday 'cause I'll get to see Marika!!!!!!!!

Cosmic Bowling

Megan, Marika, and I cosmic bowling on the Friday before the New Year!
It was tons of fun and I had a lovely time...

...and...I finally found my camera to get the pictures. I didn't realize that I only took TWO! Arghh! Oh well...I'm glad Marika took more!