Nothing left to lose

God..."You say you have a plan for me and that you want the best for my life. Told me the world had yet to see what You can do with one that's committed to Your calling. I know of course what I should do...that I can't hold these dreams forever. If I give them now to You...Will You take them away forever? Or can I dream again?"

Why is it when I love, I love so well, so that when the object of my feelings are taken away it just hurts so bad? I try to be so tough, but I'm just not strong enough...I can't do this alone God I need you to hold onto me. I have no more tears left to cry, at the moment lol, I have to let go and move on, letting nothing steal my joy...even though I don't understand...

Lost in God: Living the Cross Centered Life

For the month of June our church is reading together a theology book. The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller is the first option. We already have the second option by C. J. Mahaney Living the Cross Centered Life: Keeping the Gospel the Main Thing. My mom has already read it so I decided I would read that book. Just from reading the introduction I knew that my thinking would be changed. He starts out with something Paul said..."Now I would remind you, brothers, the gospel I preached to you....For I delivered to you of first importance what I also received: Christ died for our sins." He is saying that the one thing that should be the center of our lives daily is the Gospel! The Good News.
Sounds so simple, eh? But then goes on to point out how every day we face temptations to move away from the gospel....that there are three main tendencies that pull us away: 1. Subjectivism, which means basing our relationship with God on our changing feelings and emotions. (yep, I'm guilty of that). 2. Legalism, which means basing our relationship with God on our own performance. (done that too). and 3. Condemnation, which means being more focused on our sin than God's grace. (uh huh guilty again).
as soon as I read that I was gripped by what I may learn from reading this. I pray that the Holy Spirit gives me discernment as I continue reading.
Finishing the first chapter required the use of a tissue. This quote really got me...reminding me of what God has recently in the last 2 years made me even more aware of.
Often my eyes fill with tears at the memories of my foolishness and sin. And in the same instant, my heart will be filled with an unspeakable, holy joy. By the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross, I've been forgiven of the countless sins I've committed.
Then he went on to say something I've never really thought about. How today many people run from the past, but he considers regular reminders as precious because he never wants to forget the great mercy shown! Wow! Changing my mindset to that theology in light of the mistakes I've made in the past doesn't make the memories so painful!
I'm anticipating reading the rest of the book, fo sho!
As for the verses we have to memorize...still working on that lol...when one gets older ones memory isn't what it used to be hehe. But my study of the book of Mark is going well, more on that later :)

UP from the depths of despair haha

Yeah we all get those down days...days with no motivation, days of loneliness, days where Satan brings the past driving back into one's head at full force. Not a very good day to start off the week I must say, but having a positive attitude of it can only go up from here is one way to beat the monster of despair and gloom. One of the ways, besides my time with my best friend and Savior, is to focus on others... We have a good Reliv friend visiting from Montana this weekend and he has agreed to do a few special events/meetings while he is in the area! It is great for me to be getting into Reliv mode again :) I realize that if I can help people and build up my business here in the States I will be having a double ministry once I am in Africa!
Africa...yeah I went river rafting on Saturday, it was da bomb, anyways while we were hanging out waiting to embark I was talking to our guide, Megan, and she had shared that she went to Kenya a few years ago. She also said that when she went she had envisioned that she would be living there for the next 20 years...but once she was there it became clear that was not what God wanted. Well, I have thought about spending a substantial amount of time in Africa...the be a change, get Reliv to those kids! Guess will have to see what happens next year.
And...today was a day of "I know." I know that all that matters is I do my best to coach for the glory of God whether we win or not. I know that someone making a decision could be a life changing thing and that it will be in God's plan. I know I have to trust Him. I know, I know, I know...but it doesn't change the way I feel. Part of my journey in getting lost in God is turning that knowing into reality...so that knowing it will be enough and change the way I feel and my attitude.
I fail, everyday...I mess up! How God can be so patient is beyond my comprehension. I can barely hold my temper when it comes to my 7 year old brother throwing a water balloon at my head when I'm leaving for work, or dumping soy nuts all over the back of my car, or noisily bouncing off the walls when I trying to talk on the phone, or...well you get the idea. But I continually am doing things like that, well not exactly like that, but you understand what I mean. I forever feel like I am falling before the throne of grace and mercy confessing and repenting. I am so mad at myself for failing in sin over and over. But it is a continual battle, every day, every hour, every minute. I will keep on messing up. Isn't it great that Christ died for your every sin before you even committed it! Ah, just blows my mind! Father forgive me for the minutes I waste for my own pleasure and satisfaction. Humble me and teach me how I can glorify You with my every breath.
What will it look like taking one day at a time, one hour at a time, glorifying Christ alone? Hmm, this girl is on the journey to find out, another peice of the puzzle, another step towards the finish and just another day in pursing to be lost in God.

Swim Team

Second day of swim team is over and I feel tired already. But it's a good tired! I love it :) Cashmere swim team is smaller than Leavenworth and has way more practice time! I have so many things in my head that I want to do with this team...the goal is to go undefeated and take Championships this year! I mean, I'm used to it...did it in Leavenworth as an assistant 2 years in a row ;)
The way the practice times are set up sure make my day go fast though it seems. 2 practices in the morning, 8-10AM and then 1 practice at night 8-9:30PM. I love it so much though, have I not said that already lol. It's on my top 10 list.
I so want to beat Leavenworth really badly now, first of all they never even returned my messages on coaching and then they go and hire the evil manager from last year who made our family and friends summer miserable. Do we have a chance to beat them? Yes. Prayer can't hurt though haha. I need to have to right attitude about it...humble and gracious. I feel that I will :) and will be so disappointed it we don't. The most important thing is for me to do my best at coaching these kids and having fun. Tonight I had the older kids practice write down some of there goals for this season...just so I can get an idea of where they want to go. Some are very doable and practical, some will take hard work, and others made me smile...like "get better times then the older guys" (a girl wrote that) and that is doable!!! I did it through most of my "career" as a swimmer. tehe ;)
I loved swimming when I was younger (ha, make me sound so old) swim team was something I looked forward to every  summer, and I was good at it. I'm just so happy to still have a part in something I enjoy so much. And as head coach everyone looks up to me and I will try my best not to fail them :)

Lost in God: Action Plan

God you have quite a sense of humor...it's funny, I'm sure you laugh at our stupidity and lack of sense. But still love us just the same. I wonder if you throw in those little things that we freak out over, lose sleep over, cry our eyes out over...just for entertainment. Haha...no, just kidding :P It's just a piece of the puzzle you give me and I have to trust You.
Anyways, I have a plan of action to put into practice and live out this summer to start with. I'm kinda borrowing from our church's program "Redeem the Summer" but I've also added a few of my own things...to help me become lost in God...

1. Read the Bible (I plan to study through the book of Mark)
2. Read one good book a month (my church is reading a theology book for June, Biography for July, and Ecclesiology for August...I'll blog about them at the end of the month)
3. Memorize 10 verses (less than one a week! OT: Ex. 33:18-19; Deut. 6:4-7; Ps. 86:11; Isa. 66:2b; Jer. 31:33. NT: Eph. 2:8-9; 2 Cor. 4:6; Phil. 1:27; 1 Pet. 2:9; Matt. 28:18-20).
4. Journal and Discuss my discoveries, questions, and how the Lord convicts, challenges, and encourages me (which I will be using this blog for...the general stuff anyways...and my prayer journal for the deep personal stuff).

So that's what I got so far...and I'm ready to dive in! It's summer! Yay!

So hear me, if you're out there

I like this...all of us music inside that hasn't been played yet. This video makes me think about all the things I wanna say to someone, but am afraid to. Someday I will find someone who will "hear the words unspoken" and "read between the minds." I think honesty and communication it huge in any relationship...but is there such a thing as looking into a person's eyes and knowing they understand you? Truly understand. I still need time, but one day I trust God will bring me the person that will understand the words of my heart. This video stirs me inside. I'm no hopeless romantic...but hearing and watching this plucks on those strings of my heart that I'm trying not to play.

Moving Forward

So much is running through my head right now that I don't even know where to start! My heart feels so full, yet I have a certain peace and calm about me that is so familiar. Tonight is such a clear night that the stars showing off their charm with extra sparkle. I remember when we first moved here to Washington and on beautiful nights like this I would go outside and just look at the stars talking to God. Expressing the joys and groanings of my heart I knew He heard me. I wondered walking in to the house this evening what happened to those times I used to do that? They were so refreshing and restoring to my spirit especially just sitting outside of a house full of people lol. I replaced those starry mountain nights with sunsets on the flat plains Dakota since I had to be in the house at night...but now that I've been home it's had been awhile since those starry night talks with my best friend. I realized that driving home this evening and having to pull over again overcome by emotion (twice in the last month) doesn't seem healthy. But tonight a burden regarding a situation about Reliv weighing on my heart since February has been lifted. I have to keep moving forward! He will be with me! He will give me the words to say! Just keep moving forward Rachel.
Isn't God good? God is good...all the time! Such a simple statement and so easy to forget. Don't know if you have ever experienced hurt and pain so badly in your heart that you could feel it...like physically feel it...I have. I can count them all on one hand so far. Sometimes it lasted longer than other times. Tonight was such a night except it didn't last long, just a moment then I was flooded in healing. And was told to keep moving forward. It was amazing.
In February my wall of belief in Reliv was demolished. It is ironic because at the beginning of that month I was on fire and moving forward! It was awesome :) Then Satan attacked and I fell. So hard that it has taken this long to get back up again unfortunately, but I got up again. I know what I have seen! I know what Reliv can do! But I was letting Satan win and letting him keep trampling me down.
I think that everything coming together for South Africa has been part of building me back  up again. If Reliv could get to Africa I truly believe that it will change that country! If God is gonna use me and this upcoming trip to get Reliv over there then I need to stop sitting in my pain and pity and start moving forward. Yeah those people hurt me, but how many more people am I letting continue to live in pain because of one little bruise I received?
They think I'm all about money and using my friends to get rich than they do not know what I am about at all! They have not seen what I have seen! What Reliv is truly about. I've seen grown men cry because they got the wife or child back. I've seen families who had no hope left get another chance. I've seen prevented suicides, people get out of wheelchairs and the list goes on and on! I don't even want to think about where my family would be now if it wasn't for God bringing Reliv into our lives. Jonathan would not be here and my mom might not be either. No, maybe you can't understand...you think ok, that is so wonderful that it worked for me...you don't understand what it felt like to be 15 and the oldest of the family to think that my mom might die and then I would be left to take care of everything. To see my mom in so much pain. Kids shouldn't have to worrying about taking care of their mom.
People don't understand what they have until they lose it. Yeah you feel great and healthy now, but down the road once you lose your quality of life, your health! How much is prevention worth to you? Why wait until you have a problem and then need to take medication, which has horrible side effects then need to take more drugs for those side effects!? That is how it goes! I saw it with my grandpa.
I'm just excited to be a part of this amazing company! To help get this out and nourish the world! People in third world countries are living off of Reliv, it is all they have to survive! They don't complain about the taste, they are just thankful to even get any that day. My heart is truly to help people. It has been such a blessing when someone who I told about Reliv is not living in pain anymore.
And once I get this going I will have a double ministry! That is what I'm most excited about :) I will be helping alot of people here in the US and then use that support over in Africa! :D I think that overwhelming feeling I got tonight was God trying to tell me something and I think the message got through :)
So here I go, moving forward, one day at a time :)

This video is of the kids at Lambano Sanctuary in South Africa where I will be for at least 6 months God-willing starting January 2011.

Think of You

The song in my heart right now...at first I thought he was singing about a girl until I read the whole lyrics and at the end he sings about the Way, Truth, and Life and Your Spirit...and if you notice the "Y" in you in capitalized. He is singing about Jesus.

When I'm lost, you bring me back
When I cry, you make me glad
When I think I have it bad
I think of You

When I don't know where to go
And I feel like I'm alone
When I hang my head down low
I think of You

Each night You wait outside my door
Cause You want to know, I think of You...

When I fall into a snare
And it's all too much to bear
When I think nobody cares
I think of You

When the going's getting tough
And I feel like giving up
When I think I've had enough
I think of You

You've always been and You'll always be
Even to the end, I'll think of You

You are the Way, the Truth, and the Life
And I'll follow You...

When it's time to say goodbye
And a tear wells in my eye
I can hold my head up high
When I think of You

My flesh is weak, but Your Spirit wills
That my heart and mind, will think of You

Find out who your friends are

I don't get it. That's the third time this month. 3 different "friends."  If they are NOT gonna get back to me when they say they will then at least don't even say you will! "I will call you right back"  "I will text you tomorrow with the details"  "I will get back to you later with where we'll meet" and no reply...I'm mean what the hay :P
But whatever, it no big deal...it doesn't hurt as much as what I've had to deal with my so-called "friends." Being back-stabbed 2 years ago in SD by the people I thought were my friends, then I thought was the worst, but doesn't compared to this hurt right now.
We've been friends for over 7 years! And then all of a sudden it doesn't mean anything!? I've put up with enough hurt from them. If you have a horse that keeps bucking you off do you keep it!? Or just get rid of it? It can't be trained!

Forgiveness and thoughts

Pastor Josh completed his 4 week series on church discipline yesterday. The last 2 were on forgiveness. Last week I was freed from a thinking that I think lots of Christians fall into. That because we are Christians we are supposed to forgive...like everyone, all the time. But that isn't true. It is something I was struggling with in 2 situation particularly that have been such a burden upon me. One person told me that praying for the person who wronged me is a start in a process to forgive them, and once I forgive them, then I can keep moving on. Forgive them even if they don't feel sorry or realize that they hurt me for my own psychological health. I thought that sounded reasonable and it seemed like it worked at first, but I was still feeling terrible about myself because I was still unsettled. Then what I heard last Sunday was so freeing  for me. There is no unconditional forgiveness. God doesn't forgive the unrepentant sinner. Having an attitude of forgiveness is unconditional, but granting forgiveness is conditional.
But then came a whole other state of mind. Do I make these people aware that they hurt and are hurting me in the way they are acting? Just ask them if it was there intention to hurt me. Then the ball is in their court. We are supposed to live in peace with all men. But there is a problem...I have confronted these people before and it didn't go well...it hurt  my family alot. So when talking to my mom she didn't think it would be a good idea either. So for the good of my family I can try to not let this get me down. Why is it such a burden on my heart though? Do I feel like I need to be justified because I have been wronged and hurt?