Dear Heavenly Father,
You are teaching me so much I long to take it all in and meditate on it for weeks. How is it that my desire is to be closer to You, but can't seem to make time for You? Am I so shallow...can You occupy my deepest emotions, my subconscious thoughts that seem trapped in the filth and dirt of the empty lust and passions of my life? That would be so incredible! My heart if so full just thinking about it! Oh how wonderful that would be!
There is so much that I want to do, so many wishes and dreams...the thing is that I am scared to write them down, to speak of them aloud, for fear that I will fail, that I can never accomplish those dreams. Are these dreams aligned with Your agenda for my life? Why do I fear to moving forward? Father, You are so faithful to me, You never fail to remind me of Your Sovereignty. I want You to use me for Your work, for Your glory...but I have to much fear. I can't win on my own. Help me to fight this battle and to not give in...I do it everyday! Is my desire strong enough...how can I get up and tie my goals deeply, strongly, tightly, to my core values and deepest emotions? At the point I was so fearless a month ago, Satan came in and knocked me down...I'm letting him win, I'm stuck and can't move forward. I don't want him to win. Oh how I long to get back to the fearless passion I had. I really believe in this and know there is so much I can do for You through it...to really help people. But what is stopping me?
Can I live beyond the past? Will you help me feel like I am worth it? Take all of me. Why did I let Satan win? Why did I give in? How come I let my guard down and throw it all away? You know my heart Lord, oh how You know it. You know where my thinking is regarding starting over. I can't. As of now there is no way I can see anyone seeing me as worth it. I won't do it again. I can't. The irony of it all makes me laugh. Ha!
But I won't let Satan win! I won't continue living for what was last year. It is passed me now and I resolve to stay as I am, my life is Yours and I am content. And I will be content to be satisfied in You alone and no other person. Now indeed with the clock proceeding into the earliest hours of morning I can now rest in peace. You hear my prayer, You know my heart, and You love me. That is all that matters.