I reflect back on the last week and half and how each day I have felt different emotions. A comforting peace and sure of my decision and then the next day my heart physically hurts like it is breaking into a million pieces. I am confident in the choice I have made, but I do need to reassure myself that this is the path God wants me to take.
After breaking it off with Daniel God has been working in my heart and stirring up Africa again…I so long to be there at this moment maybe just to get away from all this hurting, but God has His timing and I fully trust Him to get me there when it’s time. I have been pushing on a few doors though with no avail.
The last year and a half has been quite a journey…it started when I went to South Dakota in September 2008 to take care of grandma and grandpa. I think because it was the first time I was actually away from my parents is why the journey began. Reflecting back on everything brings a rush of so many memories and emotions its hard to grasp them all. The pain and the happiness. I think the biggest thing was how my spiritual journey was effected…
I think the lack of fellowship, my poor choices, and experience while I was away from home impacted me more then I thought. So much in that I came to a state where I couldn’t feel the closeness of my Savior. Sure when I went to a bible study or church and worshiped I would on occasion, but my personal spirituality was severely lacking. I couldn’t pray. I couldn’t read the Bible. I felt stuck, I was stuck. And don’t get me wrong I tried to do these things. What it came down to was a sin in my life I wasn’t viewing with the hated we as believers should have towards sin, that among the other things. When I got home from my second trip to SD this past Christmas, I was back in my beloved church where the Holy Spirit is clearly working, attending BSF where we are studying the book of John, and going back to the college study I’ve been in. Being convicted to confess my sin before the throne of grace and repenting I felt restored, it is still a working progress though.
The thing that really spoke to me were the chapters in the book of John BSF was doing at the time I came back.
From John chapter 9: Many time God gives us suffering in our lives in order to awaken our spirits.
From John chapter 10: Talks about Jesus being the Good Shepherd and how once we are His sheep no one can snatch us from out of His hand. He is holding onto me. I am secure in Him.
So during the time I felt I was so far from Christ…He was still holding onto me, not giving up, just patiently loving His child.
Another verse that keep coming up in my readings and lectures I attend was Psalm 46:10 “Be still, and know that I am God.” That is where God started speaking to me…just to be still and once I did He showed be the above truths reassuring me.
He never let’s go! Through the calm and through the storm, HE NEVER LETS GO OF ME!
Now where am I…? God has told me to go to Africa to be a part of getting Reliv over there. I found a ring at the dept store last week. It is a simple silver band with a twist in it and the words engraved on it are “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” I wear it now to remind me of this calling and how may not be able to change the world, but I can be that change.