Jim Morrison quote

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

at this time last year....

How quickly a year flies by...hmm. At this time last year, I was in South Dakota....at this time last year, on this day, I took Grandpa to the hospital....at this time last year, this coming Tuesday, Grandpa went to the nursing home...at this time last year, on Friday, me and Grandma drove grandpa to the doctor, back to the nursing home, then went home....and got the call the he wasn't on this Earth anymore....at this time last year, this coming weekend and week....I think I felt almost every emotion....sadness, happiness, hurt, anger, joy, played the 'if only' game, and placed blame. Grandpa is in no more pain now. Why do I keep getting sad? Why do I keep wishing I had more time? Why am I blaming myself...if only I would of taken better care of him, just had taken him home with me, so he could of died on the farm instead of in some stuffy, smelly nursing home room...all alone...but God is Sovereign....God is Sovereign....God is Sovereign....and I will keep telling myself this until I don't  hurt anymore.....

If all I had was Jesus

The message on Sunday was Spirit-filled and thought-provoking...How Then Shall We Live 2nd Peter 3:11-13
http://www.gracecovonline.com/resource-library/sermons/how-then-shall-we-live/

Thought I would answer some of the questions Josh posed in his sermon. What gives me my identity? Is Christ defining who I am? What does this mean...am I identifying who I am in Christ? Jesus says to abide and  remain in Him...and I do this my loving and obeying Him. What one thing in my life is central? Whatever I make sacrifices for and rearrange everything in my life around is what that thing is...I know that I don't do that to spend time with my friend Jesus...at times I think I put myself as central...I'd rather sleep or watch a movie instead of talk to my Savior...I'd rather spend time on myself and my life then read the Word God has given me. This isn't my life though, why do I stoop to satisfying myself with temporary pleasures? OKay so this one really got to me, but I confidently can answer it...Would I be happy in heaven if Jesus wasn't there? It seems absurd to even ask this...but think about it, why would we need Jesus if in Heaven we will be completely happy...no more hurting and pain, but uncanny happiness in glorious pleasure with the ones we love! I wouldn't be happy if my Savior, my Redeemer, my Friend, my Everything was not there. That is the one thing I long and look forward to! Spending eternity with Him! Come quickly Lord Jesus!

a sudden burst of inspiration

needs some work I just wrote it on a whim ;) so I'm not done with it yet...

Existing 
The sea-colored toenails disappear
Among the sun-warmed grass.
Nostrils flare at earth-smelled atmosphere
Eyes capture snow-covered mountains.
Sky-temperature wind fingers through hair
Drying salt-tasted tears on cheeks.
Surrounded by melody-filled air
Knees pulled to the life-crowded ground.

Dream: a strongly desired goal or purpose

What is God impressing on my heart? I can feel it...it grows stronger and stronger. At times I feel like I am running out of time until I slow down to think and remember that His timing and His plan is perfect. I hold in my heart a dream, a beautiful dream only I can imagine, a dream only God can fulfill. Times come where I am down, but I still dream. I don't think I know what that dream is, I feel like it's coming to me now...what is it? It is in the secret part of me...when will it happen? Why does it feel so strongly impressed upon me at this moment...is it because the more I talk of it out loud the more I feel I can achieve it...but do I even know what it is?

I don't know

I don't know what to do. In this state of mind I'm stuck. I do know that God is faithful and I need to put my trust in Him. That when I do trust Him, He will give me the desires of my heart, and that the desires of my heart should align with God's agenda. What are the desires of my heart? Dare I dream? Dare I pursue the desires of my heart. My hopes. My dreams and ambitions. Is what I want just an ambition or a calling? How can I know when I feel torn between so many things that I want and that I feel. The spirit is willing but but the flesh is weak, oh how true. Is it wrong to want to do something great instead of just, what I feel, is the average? And is this great thing that I long for just an ambition or destiny? No, it is more then ambition. But how come I can't seem to go towards it? I feel like I should be moving forward to grasping instead of remaining in the same place every day. I want to go out and experience life. What kind of life? The life where I'm not stuck in a day to day schedule. A life where every day is filled with challenges, difficulties, and even danger. Can I have that life here or do I need to go somewhere else? Shouldn't everyday be like that for me in my walk with Christ? Do I make it to easy? Is God teaching me contentment once again...I want to feel the things that are right and moral...if I'm supposed to be content does that mean I'm supposed to settle? Ahhhh this wild passion I have has been contained for so long but recent events have stirred it up again even to a greater burning in my heart. Show me the way to go Heavenly Father. I cry out to You for help. I will do whatever You ask of me, that is and will always be my deepest desire. 

John 17

Jesus' prayer to the Father while He was in the Upper Room. Before his crucifixion. He prayed out loud for the disciples and for future believers, you and me. He prayed for me. I inserted my name into this prayer and reread it, it was so powerful and moves me to tears. Jesus prays for me! Knowing this draws me even more closer to Him. He is my best friend. Read this High Priestly prayer of Jesus using your name, and will no doubt effect you in some way. 

Jesus spoke these words, lifted up His eyes to heaven, and said:

"Father, the hour has come. Glorify Your Son, that Your Son also may glorify You, as You have given Him authority over all flesh, that He should give eternal life to as many as You have given Him. And this is eternal life, that _____ may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent. I have glorified You on the earth. I have finished the work which You have given Me to do. And now, O Father, glorify Me together with Yourself, with the glory which I had with You before the world was. I have manifested Your name to _____ who You have given Me out of the world. _____ is Yours, You gave _____ to Me, and _____ has kept Your word. Now _____ has known that all things which You have given Me are from You. For I have given to _____ the words which You have given Me; and _____ has received them, and has known surely that I came forth from You; and _____ has believed that You sent Me. I pray for _____. I do not pray for the world but for _____ who You have given Me, for _____ is Yours. And all Mine are Yours, and Yours are Mine, and I am glorified in _____. Now I am no longer in the world, but _____ is in the world, and I come to You. Holy Father, keep through Your name _____ who You have given Me, that _____ may be one as We are. While I was with _____ in the world, I kept _____ in Your name. _____ who You gave Me I have kept; and none of _____ is lost except the son of perdition, that the Scripture might be fulfilled. But now I come to You, and these things I speak in the world, that _____ may have My joy fulfilled in _____. I have given _____ Your word; and the world has hated _____ because _____ is not of the world, just as I am not of the world. I do not pray that You should take _____ out of the world, but that You should keep _____ from the evil one. _____ is not of the world, just as I am not of the world. Sanctify _____ by Your truth. Your word is truth. As You sent Me into the world, I also have sent _____ into the world. And for _____'s sake I sanctify Myself, that _____ also may be sanctified by the truth. I do not pray for _____ alone, but also for those who will believe in Me through their word; that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us, that the world may believe that You sent Me. And the glory which You gave Me I have given _____, that _____ may be one just as We are one: I in _____, and You in Me; that _____ may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that You have sent Me, and have loved _____ as You have loved Me. Father, I desire that _____ also who You gave Me may be with Me where I am, that _____ may behold My glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundation of the world. O righteous Father! The world has not known You, but I have known You; and _____ has known that You sent Me. And I have declared to _____ Your name, and will declare it, that the love with which You loved Me may be in _____, and I in _____."

Appreciation: An Expression of Gratitude

224 days. The number of days I spent in South Dakota taking care of grandma and grandpa. 3 times. The number of times I felt appreciated.
This is something I struggled with. I loved being there. Did I love every minute of it? No. Do I regret doing it? No. It is something I will treasure in my heart for the rest of my life...being there for grandpa during the last days of his life. What I struggled with was feeling appreciated. I struggled with this because I felt bad for wanting it. Is it selfish to want to feel wanted and appreciated?
This isn't going to be about grandpa. This is about grandma.
I've talked to a few people who can relate to this. When I was younger I looked up to my grandparents and extended family (aka aunts and uncles) through rose colored glasses. During the time in SD, the glasses came off and I saw my family as people, human beings who aren't perfect. The hardest was Grandma. Mom always told me the Grandma was a hard woman to please. My dad's cousins said when they were younger they were always scared of Aunt LaVernge.
There are 3 times I remember that I felt appreciation from Grandma, now I'm not keeping track and I know that there were other times, but these are the ones that have stuck with me. And on this snowy morning I was just thinking about them. Taking care of Mary Lou there are times when I get flashbacks from caring for grandma and grandpa. Well thats what happened this morning.
The first time was when my aunts had just called grandma and grandpa and told them the news of an assistant living place that they had gotten for them in MN near by my aunt and uncle and that they would be moving there in May. I was in their bedroom making the bed and Grandma came in a told me. Then she said that she was so thankful for me and what I've done for Grandpa. How they never could of stayed on the farm that long through the winter if it wasn't for me. I broke down right there. I had just talked to my mom and told her how I was struggling with grandma and having such a hard time with seeming to please her. It's awesome how God works, eh?
The second time was at the interment. Now it had been a week since grandpa passed away. We had a prayer service one day, the funeral was the next, then the follow day was the interment, then the scattering of grandpa's ashes. By the time we got to the interment I was emotional numb and was determined not to cry at the cemetery. And I was doing a great job of accomplishing this. Towards the end I was standing next to grandma watching the rest of the family throw a handful of dirt into the hole. Grandma suddenly put her arm around me and pulled me closer, very tightly, the emotion was mutual, I felt it. I teared up then. Grandma had never hugged me that tightly.

Then lastly was after Grandma had moved to MN and was all settled in at the assistant living place. I had driven down there for her birthday. My aunt and I had bought cake to bring to celebrate with the other tenants at lunch time. Grandma was sitting at the table and I had come in. I went over to her gave her a hug and said happy birthday. She started crying, then I did too. That moment really told me that she truly did appreciate me. Grandma doesn't really show emotion. She is very held together.
The day Grandpa passed away I was the only one there. I was there when we got the call. I drove her to the nursing home. I was there when we went into the room and she leaned over the bed and heard her deep sobs over her husband of almost 60 years. I won't ever forget that image in my mind. And then that first night without grandpa, when we both stayed up until 2am so we would be tired enough to go to sleep. It was only me and grandma while the rest of the family traveled to the farm for the funeral. It pulled us closer together and I felt like I was there for her. And that she appreciated it.

I love you Grandma.

2AM prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,
You are teaching me so much I long to take it all in and meditate on it for weeks. How is it that my desire is to be closer to You, but can't seem to make time for You? Am I so shallow...can You occupy my deepest emotions, my subconscious thoughts that seem trapped in the filth and dirt of the empty lust and passions of my life? That would be so incredible! My heart if so full just thinking about it! Oh how wonderful that would be! 
There is so much that I want to do, so many wishes and dreams...the thing is that I am scared to write them down, to speak of them aloud, for fear that I will fail, that I can never accomplish those dreams. Are these dreams aligned with Your agenda for my life? Why do I fear to moving forward? Father, You are so faithful to me, You never fail to remind me of Your Sovereignty. I want You to use me for Your work, for Your glory...but I have to much fear. I can't win on my own. Help me to fight this battle and to not give in...I do it everyday! Is my desire strong enough...how can I get up and tie my goals deeply, strongly, tightly, to my core values and deepest emotions? At the point I was so fearless a month ago, Satan came in and knocked me down...I'm letting him win, I'm stuck and can't move forward. I don't want him to win. Oh how I long to get back to the fearless passion I had. I really believe in this and know there is so much I can do for You through it...to really help people. But what is stopping me? 
Can I live beyond the past? Will you help me feel like I am worth it? Take all of me. Why did I let Satan win? Why did I give in? How come I let my guard down and throw it all away? You know my heart Lord, oh how You know it. You know where my thinking is regarding starting over. I can't. As of now there is no way I can see anyone seeing me as worth it. I won't do it again. I can't. The irony of it all makes me laugh. Ha! 
But I won't let Satan win! I won't continue living for what was last year. It is passed me now and I resolve to stay as I am, my life is Yours and I am content. And I will be content to be satisfied in You alone and no other person. Now indeed with the clock proceeding into the earliest hours of morning I can now rest in peace. You hear my prayer, You know my heart, and You love me. That is all that matters.

Africa

Well, yesterday, March 5, was the one year mark since God told me to go to Africa and I said yes. I still remember it so clearly in my mind, the place, the feeling I felt...it was so certain. On that night one year ago I was in South Dakota and I was taking my usually walk at sunset around the farm just talking to God and thoughts going back to the video that I watched about this kid in Africa a few days earlier at a college bible study. It had really gotten to me.
My heart has always longed for mission work overseas since I was 10, but never a specific place. That night it became so clear to me! God wants me in Africa! This is the one thing I am positively certain of! And God-willing I may be there at this time next year. My heart is full, about to burst! It is slowly starting to come together! Even though times may come when it seems uncertain. I will always cling to the day I said yes and go back to March 5, 2009 and remember that night and know with certainty :)